Fatties can exercise and won't, and you're dying to but can't

>sitting in outpatients at hospital waiting for follow up appointment for appendectomy
>surrounded by old, sick and injured and a woman that looks like aileen wuornos
>across from me is easily 300lb pork mass with its leg in a compression bandage poking out from beneath it's 5XL floral muumuu
>sitting next to lardmass is its presumably male mate, at least another 60lb heavier again, casually scratching its panniculus
>both steadily raping a sack of candy bars they bought with them
>both talking about having KFC for dinner
>both draining 2 litre cokes down their fat tube-necks
>this goes on for an hour until a doctor is ready for them
>they get called to the diabetes treatment unit
>i am dissapoint
>get called up soon after by my surgeon, says i'm healing well but can't lift for another two months
>not happy, my precious gains will die
>see adipose moons orbiting out just ahead of me when i leave
>Overhear them talking about doing exercise at the doctors request, followed by how hard it is and that they're not going to bother
>tfw fatties can exercise and won't, and you're dying to but can't

My dad is massively fat

>be at restaurant with some friends
>half way through meal a family is seated nearby
>dad is massively fat, rest of family is ok
>they order their food
>table right next to theirs pays their bill and goes
>leaves a bunch of food on their plates
>fatty's eyes light up
>we stop our conversation and watch as fat dad inches closer to the table
>with no shame he reaches over and grabs the fries they left
>they are gone within seconds
>he then reaches over and grabs the half burger someone left
>only eats the non-bit side because he has a shred of shame
>not anymore though as he eats the entire thing
>his family realizes we are all watching him and are embarrassed

You'd get the impression from every complaint that every fat person at Gisney has a thyroid problem.

Work at Galt Gisney Gorld Gesort
>fat people make complaints because their are people running outside their building in the morning
>fat people complain because the parks are too big
>fat people complain because their room is too far from the food court and they want us to upgrade them to preferred (closest to the fucking lobby/food court) rooms because they don't want to pay for it and shout discrimination when they dont get it.
>Fat people are the only percentage of guest who complain that their isnt enough dinning points for dinning plan while every guest Ive ever run into says its WAY too much.
>Fat people complain because they had to be seated in different tables at their dinner reservation because their party of 7 is translated into a party of 14 at restaurants due to their size
>Fat people ask to speak to a manager because they cant get reservations to their favorite restaurant and they "need to eat"
>Fat people complain thet they couldnt get a guest assistance pass (handicapped guest) at the park and are being discriminated against because their are classified as a lifestyle choice and they didn't "choose to be fat"

Absolutely disgusting.

>leave lecture theater
>walking back to my car
>suddenly a hamplanet rolls out of a nearby crevice
>thank the gods of gains i hadn't been walking faster, or i'd have been crushed
>my goodness, this hambeast is certainly gaining some pace
>walking behind her (for i believed it to be female) for a while
>fighting feelings of disgust at the wobbling mass before me
>she was huffing and puffing and walking at a speed unknown to the average landwhale
>my eyes were drawn to those... ungodly... cankles
>nearly walked straight past my car because i was too busy watching her calves slowly devour her ankles

subject: I'm ashamed to have read two of your blog entries.

from: j ****** <j*********@gmail.com>

to: storiesaboutfatpeople@gmail.com
date: Wed, Jul 24, 2013 at 12:54 AM
subject: I'm ashamed to have read two of your blog entries.

Good day.
I was unlucky enough to stumble upon your posts catalogued under the www.fatpeoplestories.org banner. I was expecting to be treated to honest stories that detail the day to day life of the morbidly obese in order to better understand their life's circumstances; instead, I was exposed only to endless, thoughtless misogynistic garbage that describes the author's experiences (whether real or imagined) that included hateful sex with larger women and such. Though these entries seem to target women with a BMI above the normal range, I find it to be very telling that "hot" woman with a normal BMI are not spared similar treatment. Though they may not be called disgusting, they're treated with similar disdain in almost every instance.
I don't expect a response. I don't intend to read it if you send it. I desperately hope that you are a barely pubescent boy whose raging hormones and false bravado have fuelled this ridiculous blog, and I hope against hope that in time you'll emerge from that infantile hormone storm to become a productive member of the male gender and a decent human being. That said, I think it is much more likely that you're simply a 20-something, aimless man with less inherent societal value than you even have dignity. I hope you enjoy your parents' basement and your endless supply of trite schoolgirl porn and cheetos. I'm sure your blog is all the rage among your WoW buddies since women are about as frequent there as they are in your company. 
Please consider a vow of celibacy and do the rest of society, and women in general, a solid. 
On behalf of society, thanks much. 

The waitress was sexy as fuck

>be at gf's
>her friend invites herself over
>pretty sure she's former president tafts great grand daughter
>gravity on earth was 4.89 m/s2 until she was born and added 5 m/s2 more
>mentions how she started a diet
>okhowsthatgoingforyou.sarcasticjpg
>tells my gf the only junk food she had that day was ice cream
>go to applebees with both of them
>get a burger for dat dere brotein
>gf gets a salad
>she's 5'2" 110, demstats.jpg
>her friend is ordering
>talking to waitress, "well I just started a diet...."
>continues to order the family platter of nachos
>the waitress walks away
>gf's friend comments making fun of how "unhealthy" the waitress was
>the waitress was sexy as fuck
>I watch as this fucking planet eats the entire family nachos
>she eats an entire thing of sour cream with it and asks for more
>back at house, and she's eating a bag of milk duds
>didn't even share
>lol at fat people but really more disgusted than amused

I assure this story is true.

>Minding my own business at my local QFC searching the aisles for some quality foods.
>Got a basket full of eggs, fish, batter and some milk.
>Start heading over to the vegetable aisle thinking about my awesome food and how much I can't wait to cook it.
>Suddenly
>A loud "FUCK" then a crash, the sound of metal and glass hitting the floor and then "HALP, HALP ME!"
>What in the world...
>I walk, because running would hurt mah gains, over to the aisle where this commotion came from
>There, before me, was a sight of sights
>Condiments all over the place
>A large woman sprawled out on her back wriggling about, creating a beautiful color condiment painting
>"HALP, HALP ME!"
>Mam! It's going to be okay. I workout.
>I stand over her legs more than shoulder length apart... I realize this is going to be a sumo deadlift if I ever a sumo deadlift was done.
>I tell her to wrap her arms around my neck and secure her by locking my arms under her armpit and then try to deadlift that fucking RAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH
>Failure.
>I-I'm sorry.
>Wait for one of the grocery guys and together we manage to crossfit deadlift her fatass and help her up.
>"Thank you, Thank you!"
>It's okay Mam'
>Then I'm struck with a moment of clarity, it's frightening, I realize something is very wrong here.
>I do a quick doubletake at the shelves
>Where the fuck is the malt vinegar
>I slowly, without moving my head, look down at the ground. And there... in a brown pool are all the Malts.
>No! Fish and Chips night ruined!


Fucking ruined my whole night.

Most of my encounters are with fatties at the gym.

And the ones at the gym are actually doing work, whether it be on the nautalus machines, free weights, or cardio. I don't judge them because at least they are trying to better themselves, and we all started somewhere. So here is my shitty fps:

>senior year of high school
>be 17, me 5'11" and ~170. My friend 6'3" and <200.
>we both played basketball, so inbetween skinnyfat and built-fat
>the day of a game for lunch we would goto pizza hut buffet
>we had 20 minutes to eat in total
>on our trips we each would easily pack away a whole pizza, a serving of pasta, a serving of salad, and several breadsticks
>on this one trip, we walk in
>we sit in our usual spot
>in waddles 3 hambeasts
>to this day, i cannot tell their gender
>they sit across from us and eyeing us the entire time
>friend and i proceed to have secret eating contest with them
>that day, we packed away 12 plates each of food (salad, pasta, pizza, etc)
>hambeasts stared the entire time we were eating
>by our last plates, manager came to our table
>asked us politely to leave because we were grossing out the fellow customers
>many lulz are still had with me and friend to this day

Real Women With Curves: Chinese takeaways are the best

>In line at Chinese restaurant
>It's one of those places where you serve yourself and they charge by weight of the food you took
>Real woman with curves in front of me in line
>Bitch takes all the teriyaki chicken
>Mountain of food on her plate
>See her put it on the scale
>Peek at the readout
>51 oz
>This bitch took over 3 pounds of food
>Pays for it
>Picks up her plate
>Mt. Food has an avalanche
>Food falls on the floor
>She kneels to recover her food
>Puts it all back on her plate
>Walks away like nothing happened

Fat sundays

>at gym sure I'd find some beauties lifting, one girl lifting who happens to be a not bad chubbish womanlet ohwell.jpg, ignored her
>finished working out decided to go have the lifeguard mir me while am pumped, fatter than lifting girl lifeguard working instead... would not do
>oh well.jpg
>finished swimming
>left to study
>sat at library to study I was sure would be filled with beautiful fit uni girls, whale of all whales with a hump back sits across instead, no other beauties around
>oh well.jpg
>went to drink some water came back to find her looking at me, reacted with a look of disgust and went about studying

this day was a fat sunday

This reminds me of something

>be in highschool
>government owned school but kinda like private, all the kids parents donate to get in and most of the kids are rich
>teachers often take it out on the students that they're miserable
>make shitty little comments how we have it so easy and they have to live on a teaching salary
>teachers who make the comments are all fat as hell
>one particular fattie hates me a lot
>insults me in front of the class once after I failed a test
>says "that's what you get when you're being pampered with all your fancy phones and your fancy drivers and such"
>my parents were actually insane on discipline and I was seen as the poorest kid in school, even if technically not poor at all
>one day, she is sitting in her chair talking some shit
>mind you, this chair has been sat upon by a million fatties all day erryday
>out of nowhere the legs of her chair break
>she crashes
>guys sitting in front of her are particularly dumb and have no idea how to react
>she can't get up
>has to ask the guys to pick her up
>one of them drops her
>whole class is silent because she is one of those "scary" teachers
>she finally gets up with the help of the two guys
>in the complete silence, I mutter (it was very clearly heard):
>"that's what you get when you're stuffing yourself with all those fancy cakes and all those fancy sandwiches"
>failed her class
>had to go to an exam in the summer
>she was away from school due to heart problems
>young 20ish y/o teacher who had heard about my moment let me pass because he was cool and had had a laugh at me telling the fat evil bitch
>tfw I didn't become a legend or anything because the kids in that school were a bunch of sorry fucks

Still, it was pretty funny seeing her roll around like a turtle trying to get up and failing.

Ambulocetus? More like Hambulocetus

>Get first job at K-mart when i was 18
>Mega Ambulocetus (im talking 300+ pounds here) waddles up to and stuffs herself into little motorized cart at front of store
>10 minutes later im paged over the intercom to the front of the store
>I'm told to get the other cart and take it to the furniture section because fatass land whale has ran down the battery on the other (was fully charged, drained under her weight)
>I drive other cart across store, fuming, then have to push back other cart back to the charger at front of the store, tires were locked up, left black rubber streaks all the way back, had to get a mop and clean it up
>Uniform stunk like only fat fuck nasty people do for the rest of the 8 hours shift, barely contained vomit the rest of the day.

Jesus Christ, imagine being fat. Just imagine it. Everything would be difficult. You'd drag everybody around you down.

>go visit friends in another city
>split gas money with fat friend of mine
>we get there
>she never wants to go anywhere.
>makes us stay in the first night -- orders pizza just for herself.
>we finally convince her to go out.
>"hold on, guys. i'm slower than you are"
>we're all a block ahead of her at all times.
>we get to a store
>she smokes outside
>tries to make us go home early because her feet hurt
>only one friend of mine caved in and went home with her.
>we all stayed out and had a great time.
>silently fumes the rest of the trip -- writes me an email when we get home saying she was fuming because we stayed out without her.
>mfw i haven't responded yet. probably won't

Jesus Christ, imagine being fat. Just imagine it. Everything would be difficult. You'd drag everybody around you down.

PR = Personal Record

>getting off of work
>walk into grocery store
>head on to the bulk department to pick up some trail mix
>hear some commotion
>walk towards the noise
>look up the chips/cola isle to see a morbidly obese woman in light blue scrubs with a top with cats printed on it. (Standard healthcare getup)
>she has fallen and cannot get up
>a bottle of generic brand cherry cola has split on the floor and is leaking its contents all over the isle
>two small asian men are trying to help her up
>as soon as the woman realizes that she's being assisted she goes limp and obviously expects the men to go for a PR
>I make eye contact with the man on the left, there is a look of pain and fear in his eyes, I believe his back is going out
>the "woman" bellows: "YOU HAVE TO PULL DAMNIT. YOU HAVE TO HELP ME UP!"
>At this point I continue to walk away from the isle and hear a dramatic slip of sneakers on wet linoleum followed by a rumbling and one of those cunty exhalations that immediately identifies the type of impatient /fed up mood someone is in.
>"WELL THANKS A LOT, I'LL JUST HAVE TO GET UP BY MY SELF"
>I no longer have an appetite
>I leave the grocery store without buying anything, and never return

former mega fatass (now working on tone and smaller diet adjustments so only slight fatass) here - this is very true.

"sugar is like crack, nothing else can give u a rush like it. and if you're used to eating shit you're whole life, then the healthy stuff takes work EVERY SINGLE DAY to eat - yeah, after a while a LOT of the processed crap tastes like shit and natural food tastes way better, but there is always that craving for that shit, and when you give in, you go FULL ON. i've been working on my diet for 13 fucking years, and it STILL is a struggle to avoid some things. food is not really a pleasurable experience, it's a constant battle for control and requires constant monitoring for me. i can't relax and just "listen to my body" because i fucked up my eating habits when i was little. i can't really trust my body.

i cannot tell you how many times i've dived head first into shit food because no other foods work. it sounds stupid, but i have to fight it every day.

currently struggling at 145 pounds at 5'3" to get down in weight. it sux shit and i lose motivation because i have never looked anywhere near women my age. i'm just kinda slightly heavy normal, now, but i've had to kill myself at the gym and had to struggle with diet for a long time just to get to here."

Fat Sick and Nearly Dead aint got nothing on this

>Be ottermode (competitive distance runner, lifting)
>Eat 4000-5000 Calories a day
>Make my own lunch in addition to cafeteria lunch because cafeteria lunch is tiny and unhealthy as fuck
>Get to the checkout with a salad and a yogurt parfait
>Lvl 56 fitness-hating hambeast lunchlady looks at my lunch
>Her eyes become watery
>"... is... is t-that it?"
>Just look at her, like wtf is going on
>Quietly mutter, "uh, I guess"
>The line behind me is piling up, the lady is fumbling with my change in her oily hands
>Girl I was crushing on is watching
>"T-take a cookie... you d-don't have to starve yourself"
>"Uh, no thanks, I brought some other stuff."
>Finish checking out
>Think of all the things I could have said to hurt the landwhale

More inspiring than 8 Mile with Eminem

>Did 6 mile hike this morning with the wife

>First three miles all up hill, pretty steep, then turn back the way you came

>Wife mentions to me how it's strange you only see young fit people doing it, but older (50+) folks of all sizes

>Keep looking for younger larger people, wife is right, none in sight

>Get to end, cool little stream/pond area

>Watching the birds drink at the pond

>Landwhale, 20ish, must have been 350, lumbers into view, ripples in pond, birds fly in fear

>Sits next to us, starts talking to us

>"It took me five hours to make it here, but I'm determined. I'm determined to change, I'm counting calories, I'm doing this hike every Sunday, and I'm going to change."

>Good fucking job fatty, best hike I've had in a long time.

True story

Stories from Canada

>At local shitty mall
>Mall has gym that I go to (goodlife fitness)
>Walking back from gym, have my goodlife bag
>bag is bright red and has "Goodlife Fitness" printed on every possible surface
>decide to pick up some groceries, since theirs a walmart right next door
>walking through walmart, picking up bananas, tuna, oats, protein powder and shit
>At check out, hambeast in front of me is slowed because hambeast on cash cant process her 10+ bags of chips fast enough
>Line of hambeasts form up behind me
>Lardass cashier has sat down, due to the strain of lifting a bag of chips over a scanner
>Hambeasts shifting from foot to foot, trying to rest their legs as they are not used to standing upright for so long
>Several of them pull chocolate bars and shit off the shelf and start eating
>finally my turn to pay
>Start loading my healthy shit onto the conveyor belt thing
>Woman/beast behind me comments on my bag and food attire
>"Hey you shouldn't come here and brag how healthy you are, its rude"
>wat.jpg
>how is it rude that I'm eating healthy and exercising?
>"You are fat-shaming everyone here, you probably think your so great with your bag, shoving it in everyone's face"
>she pauses to weeze in a breath
>"Some of us cant help it, so you need to keep that to yourself"
>Herd murmels in agreement
>I'm a little mad, so I retort "Well maybe if you stopped eating so poorly, and started exercising more, you wouldn't look so completely hideous".
>Hambeast turns to the shade of ham in embarrassment
>I get out of there, mildy upset

>TFW most of the herd migrates over to the McDonalds after buying bags of chips and soda and other horrible stuff

My Face When.

>work at used car lot/service shop
>job is to wash lot cars and customers whenever they order a wash
>big-ass suburban is given to me to wash
>outside is only mildly dirty
>assume it to be an easy wash
>open door
>scent of a thousand rotten Big Macs floods my nostrils
>dash is crammed with McD cups and burger wrappers
>fries all over the floor
>backseat has kid car seats
>cigarette packets everywhere
>windows fogged from so much smoking
>piles of fucking ash on middle console
>abandoned wasp nest still attached to bottom of driver's seat
>mfw

I hope you marry that girl and raise many wonderful athletic children with her.

>Be in Uni
>Be in New York City because family lives near there
>Be walking down a street to get to a major avenue, minding my business, listening to EDM
>See a massive landwhale fold tail jut out of a door with a flight of stairs leading up to it
>Think nothing of it because of epic EDM drop
>As I am walking past it the folds are all pushed out of the door at once
>Because sleepy as fuark have slow reaction time
>Buzz Wideyear proceeds to catch me in a tidal wave of lard
>I am now stuck under a mountain of rolls and am struggling to breathe under what is quite possibly the worst smelling human being in the world
>My life can't end like this
>In a fit of insane adrenaline I push a way out for myself through the jelly rolls
>Emerge halfway from under the mountain covered in sweat and a smell that can be described as shit smeared in years-old lard and then deep fried in shit again
>I look behind myself and what can barely be classified as a female whale is wobbling there
>It looks at me, and lets out a "tee hee" that can only be described as a demonic gorilla hoot
>It says to me then "I didn't notice you under my curves there big boy"
>I then proceed to vomit all over the sidewalk
>Onlookers have gathered at this point
>I am absolutely beyond public appearances at this point and the hamplanet is making no effort of letting go of me, seemingly enjoying keeping my gains prisoner
>At last a guy comes and tries to help me out
>He slips to the ground helping me, falling into a puddle of my own vomit and then proceeds to run the fuck away
>fuckinggreat.jpg
>Hamplanet is sitting there munching on what seems to be on a 30 box of munchkins not giving half an orca fuck
>After lying there for about 5 minutes I am able to squirm out
>Fatty looks at me and lets loose another demonic giggle
>I sprint to the nearest taxi and beg him to drive me home
>I don't think I will ever be able to live that experience down; it still burns

I don't understand why fat people start yelling when they don't get things their way, I mean I thought they were supposed to be jolly and what not.

>at apple-bee's with fiance
>on a cut so order of of less than 500 cal menu
>as I place the menu down I feel the earth begin to shake
>I now feel how Haiti felt after the earthquake
>two giant hamplanets and their moons sit in the booth next to our table
>Waitress asks if the ham family needs time to look over menu
>Hampuff says they already have it memorized
>They each order an appetizer, entree, and dessert
>Before the waitress leaves they ask for bigger size servings
>"This is the serving size for all apple-bees I'm sorry"
>Hampuff''s eyes widen
>pores begin to open
>sweat begins to spew from craters on her face
>"I'M PAYING GOOD MONEY HERE AND YOU ARE REFUSING A CUSTOMER?!"
>"I'm sorry ma'am but I-"
>IT DOESN'T MATTER, JUST GET US OUR COKES!"
>fiance giggles
>Hampuff will have none of it
>WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT!
>Fiance looks at her
>She opens her mouth
>"Let me guess...you ordered a diet coke?"
>YES

Not much of a story, but happened around lunch today and I had to get it off my chest.

Moo says the cow

>Be me, on the way to school.
>Most of the way there okay, I decide to stop at a 7-11 to buy come milk. (I was 30 minutes early for my first lecture)
>Notice that the store has a half-off on Kit-kat bars.
>Go to the counter, wanna pay for it.
>The planets-are-aligned-the-sun-will activate/let-the-deluge-come.net
>Long line of people carrying literally BOXES of Kit-kat bars.
>Person at counter looks appalled as fuck, but trying to not look disgusted.
>Twenty minutes later, I still haven't gotten a chance to pay for the damn bottle of milk, which is rapidly becoming warm.
>Fuck that shit, leave without buying anything.
>Fatties stole my calcium away from me.

What's wrong with these people? I hate them more than ever now. They act like I shit in their cereal.

>be 6'3 and athletic
>go to the grocery store for veggies and some salmon
>get glared at by fat people while they waddle their shopping carts around
>frozen chicken pot pies and other horrible shit in their carts

Ralph Pootawn: No.

>work at coffee shop
>the north Atlantic plate shifts into the shop
>lumbers up to the till
>I say "Hi ma'am! How can I help you today?
>she replies "Well im on a diet, do I'll have a tea".
>"What size, ma'am?"
>"Extra-large"
>so as im brewing her tea, she lumbers over to a table, and begins unpacking her backpack, which i had failed to notice until now on account of her girth
>here are the contents of her bag: 3 cheeseburgers, 4 cookies, a thingy of grapes, an energy drink (king sized) and a copy of some tabloid (the cover was 'How to lose 30 lbs!')
>tea is done, ask her how she wants it
>MFW she says "6 sugars, 8 cream, a squirt of honey, 1 splenda"
>explain to her how that much will not fit into her cup
> "THEN GET A BIGGER CUP! GAWSH!!"
>after many heated words, I decide to pour her drink into two separate cups evenly
>i call her over to come get it
>"cant you just bring it over here?"
>"no"

Doing fucking windmills with her tongue in my mouth

>Be junior in high school
>throw party
>pretty good party, bout 25 people there.
>1:1 boy/girl ratio
>girl who my friend is in love with is hitting on me super hard
>She's not fat, shes right in the middle of skinny and chubby
>goes away from party so i have to go get her (cops patrol my street often and this bitch is drunk)
>Tell my friend to go get her
>he comes back, super down, says "she wants you to get her..."
>go to get her
>says she wants to go for a walk
>Tell her ok but we have to go to the park near my house and walk there. streets aint safe yo.
>get to the park
>tell her to put that ass on my lap, which she does
>start making out
>ohmygodthisistheworstkisserintheworld.jpg
>doing fucking windmills with her tongue in my mouth
>4 seconds have passed so far
>stop, tell her we need to go somewhere less visible
>go to hillside
>dont even kiss, just tell her to start sucking my dick
>figure if she does windmill on this it'll be epic
>fucking teeth grinding on my dick, slowly rubbing my skin off
>she's rubbing my chest, cycles between sucking and jerking me
>she actually gives a good handjob
>when shes jerking me off shes sucking on my nipples and shit
>fucking hate it. tell her to stop
>she goes back to blowing me and talking with my dick in her mouth
>"I WANT YOU TO CUM IN MY FUCKING MOUTH"
>flip her on her back, mount her
>says shes a virgin and doesnt wanna lose it like this
>fuck. okay take off your shirt then. (she has big tits)
>shirt comes offf
>bra is out
>ohgodyesimgonnatittyfuck.jpeg
>bra is taken off, tits reduce by 50%
>I actually yell "FUCKING GOD DAMN IT!"
>"What, anon?!"
>oh, ummm, I thought there was a snake on my leg. it was just grass.
>Try titty fucking anyway, doesn't work well.
>tell her to keep sucking my dick. im on my back again.
>pretend to cum off to the side. walk back to party. dont speak.

I regret everything. My friend wasnt even mad. Says I did him a favor. I had 2 lines on my dick from her teeth...

HERE WE GO

>18yo
>New years eve
>Throughout the night chunky monkey supreme keeps on asking who's got the nice cologne on
>'yeah it's me'
>'wow my ex bf wore that, I love it'
>ok
>Just get so drunk I can't stand up and end up slouching in the hallway
>She's sat on the stairs from across the hallway staring at me
>'Anons friend, is can you bring Anon to me?'
>My best friend described the situation as him picking me up and just dumping me on her lap
>All I remember up until the big scene is the hambeast dragging my up the two flights of stairs (3 story house) up into the owners bedroom
>Big scene approaching
>She's sucking me off on the middle of the floor
>Door creaks open
>20 other people at the party are all cheering and screaming
>Door flies open
>No more screaming
>Just laughing
>Tubmiester of chunkmountain rolled over leaving me with a semi erect willikers hanging out
>Too drunk to pull up trousers
>Everyone thinks I have a small dick now bc semi erect/fully erect

the morning after

>I have no memory of the previous night at the time
>'Yo why did I wake up next to the fat chick'
>Room erupts into laughter
>Get called baby dick and chubby chaser for the next year

there we go

I'm wasted, not talking she is blabbering something, probably about cake.

>be me at the pub with a mate
>two ham planets see me, engage gravitational pull.
>apparently they were friends of friends of my mate.
>one in particular wont stop following me around, says I look like some faggot off true blood.
>no matter how much cold shoulder I give, she is impervious.
>I'm getting more drunk, but still not giving in.
>finally me and mate leave, thank god I finally gave her the slip.
>nope.jpeg
>as we are getting in cab, landwhales use their superior girth to overpower us and get in cab too.
>oh god no..
>I'm wasted, not talking she is blabbering something, probably about cake.
>get back to his place, book it to spare room, pass out.
>Wake up later in the night,
>somethingsnotright.gif
>Ham planet is riding my dick
>oh god, why have you forsaken me??
>tell her to gtfo, go back to sleep
>wake up again
>oh fuck, her friend is having a go now, eating my dick like its the last hotdog in the cart...
>eh fuck it, I go with it and blow my load.
>pass out again.
>Mfw I was raped by two fatties in one night
>Mfw my friend gave one of them my number the next day, that rat bastard.
>Mfw I have no face.

UPDATE: SORRY FOR THE LACK OF UPDATES

I was not mauled by a hamplanet