Muh Curves

#bootyrevulsion more like

Is that a chicken wing??

This is where I keep my genetics: Part 2

"This is where I keep my genetics"

Tony Sullivan is a High Test Alpha Male

The weirdest fat distribution ever.

Average Tumblr User

Be in Texas

>Just going through Walmart to grab some almond milk for my oatz
>Leg day (I longboard to and from the gym), so flippety-flopping all over the place
>Mid-wobble, I eye an entire family of hamlets (guess what that means)
>They are all in those carts that walmart provides at the front for disabled customers
>Disgonbegud.wmv
>Proceed to the back aisle, grab everything I need including some non-buttered popcorn and chilli mix
>Make my way back to the front to the self-checkout area
>Mama hamlet (easily <5'0") is causing up a ruckus
>her cart doesn't have enough room to get through to the next kiosk
>she's arguing with some poor black guy who has a look of disgust on his face the whole time
>I watch on as she proceeds to chew the guy out between gasps of air and a (I shit you not) Mega-gulp from one of the local gas stations
>Papa hams is behind her, practically red with rage/embarrassment
>Little hams are following suit, they look like little disabled ducks in a row
>Decide I've had enough, inch my way between them and take the kiosk in question.
>Black guy gives me a smirk, I silently kek, thinking about how I'm posting this on /fit/
>She begins to rail off at me, now.
>I just ignore her, she couldn't keep it up, anyway.
>See an old lady with a walker in the checkout, silently rage
> mfw she probably couldn't get one because these people

Ayyy Jennifer

>At work
>Work with a sphere with limbs and a second sphere on top
>I'm going to call her "Jennifer" in this story, as that is her name
>Tell Jennifer to open some buckets of product
>She proceeds to do something else
>Tells me that she's done
>Tell her again to open the buckets
>She sighs and waddles very slowly to the buckets
>Spends about a minute fondling them
>Jennifer sighs again and declares "Well, I tried and I can't do it"
>Waddles out of the room

Fuck that job. I never hated fat people as much until I worked at a fucking bakery.

>used to work in bakery
>every Wednesday some fat ass woman would always come and order a dozen fucking cupcakes
>one day in the process of closing
>shit is literally less than one minute before I get to lock the door
>already have everything cleaned, half the lights off, machines shut down and in the process of counting the till
>suddenly see lights from outside the window
>"who the fucking fuck..."
>fucking whale woman comes charging in
>"OMG I THOUGHT I WOULD MISS IT LOL!"
>me: "yeah...great. What do you want?"
>"UMMMM HOLD ON I HAVE TO THINK"
>give her a pretty obvious "are you fucking serious right now?" but she doesn't notice
>orders a fucking dozen cupcakes again
>have to go into the back and pull shit out again to get them for her
>finally finish packaging and bagging them
>about to ring this bitch up
>suddenly she goes, "OH CAN I GET THOSE ALL CREAM FILLED! SORRY I FORGOT!"
>fucking just freeze and bite my cheek so fucking hard to prevent roaring at her to get out.
>me: "S-Sorry. We're out of cream."
>"REALLY?! DON'T YOU MAKE IT THOUGH ON REQ-"
>me: "We're out today. It sucks. That will be $24.00."
>she seems to FINALLY get the fucking picture
>follow close as fucking possible to her as she walks out
>slam the door fucking shut just as she walks out and lock it as loud as I can
>turn off the front lights while staring directly at her

Well who else would you be?

>Be me
>Have a gluten intolerance so I get wasted pretty easily
>Gymbro has a party at his house
>Bring lots of alcohol
>My gymbro is also a liteweight baby when it comes to hard alcohol and we're giggling like schoolgirl after our second shot
>Some fatty shows up, we don't like him, but it is the she-kin of this girl who is okay
>Found out it was a woman
>Apparently one of those well fed bull dykes
>I'm gone at this point so I don't care
>I do remember her scowling at people for not giving her attention while she sipped her diet coke and constantly had a full slice of pizza in her hand.


>Gymbro's roommate bought 6 boxes of the cheapoo $5 pizzas
>Weren't that many people there, maybe 15?
>At around midnight they're all gone
>Gymbro toys around and starts yelling "Who the fuck ate all my pizza?"
>The He-woman tries to play it off like "It was those drunk guys with the muscles."
>Most people there know I can't eat pizza
>My roommate just says to the She-man "Shut up, you faggot!"
>I ask why her fancy shirt from torrid is covered in ranch
>Suggests my gymbro lick it off
>She fucking pepper sprays us and calls the cops claiming we tried to assault her
>The next day I had to cancel an important meeting because I was in so much fucking pain
>Ordinary girl gets her she-kin to calm down and they leave
>Make a pact, frame it on the entrance, that no fat bitches are allowed in this house

MFW I watch people do this to themselves.

>At theatre last week, older friend did screen writing for a play, went opening night to support him.
>You know the "drama" types. They're either super thin skeletons, or super fat hippos.
>Actors were all hungry skeletons, audience full of hippos.
>After the play, my group of friends and I decide to go do a dessert diner in town.
>Apparently the word "dessert" carried through the air, like those looney-toons where the wafting scent reaches over to somebody's nose, and seductively gestures them to follow it to food.
>We get to the dessert place, and not a moment after, the hippos file in through the door. Y'know the type, open-minded feminist drama lovers with dyed hair.
>We order our stuff. Everybody in my group is reasonably health-conscious, me being the most, and we all order 1 slice of cake or pie apiece.
>Hippos lined up behind me (four of them), order a WHOLE cake to themselves. Mind you they make their desserts -very- rich in texture, this thing must be loaded with like, fucking 10k calories, mostly sugar and fat.
>We sit at a table to eat, but as we were eating, on the other side of the diner I saw the hippos gather.
>They all decide to sit in a boot because "they don't trust chairs", and as they slide in I can hear the seat-padding squeak against their flab, like the sound of balloons being rubbed together.
>Some of their belly rests atop the table, some below it. They're obviously uncomfortable, but they can't stop now that the cake is on the table.
>The game of Hungry Hungry Hippos begins: they don't even cut slices onto plates, they start digging right in with their forks.
>Within TEN MINUTES, all four of them manage to eat this red velvet fudge cake.
>My appetite escapes me as I bare witness to this disgusting site.
>As my friends and I are leaving, THE HIPPOS GET UP AND GET BACK IN LINE FOR MORE.

A small moon enters orbit

>two fatties in front of me at the grocery store checkout line
>cart is full of hambeast delights: frozen pizza, lunch meat, beef, twinkies, cakes, all manner of sweets
>fatties talk and laugh loudly, but the cashier is fast so I'm thinking it'll all be over soon
>"sorry, our son is grabbing something for us. Can you wait a minute for him?"
>the cashier shrugs; you know she's seen this shit countless times before
>fatties don't even apologize for being fat, wasting my time
>son, every bit as fat as his planetary parents, comes through the line and rubs his gut over me as he presses through
>fatty's breathing hard, carrying 4 12-packs of moutain dew
>to cap it off all, fat faggot dad busts out his foodstamps card to pay for it all.
>when I'm playing for my chicken and eggs I can help commenting on how disgusting they were
>cashier says they do this every week

Topkek, fatties, when will they learn?

>wait at a crowded bus stop and its raining hard
>bus pulls up and bus is already crowded
>start walking into the bus when I see a hamplanet taking up two seats up front
>just to make her life more miserable ask her to stand up
>flustered hamplanet asks me why
we need more space for everyone to get into the bus and with the seats collapsible, more people can fit into the bus
>enraged hamplanet tells me no and that she was tired
>tells me why dont I ask the old lady with bags of groceries adjacent to her
>people are getting irritated and another guy asked her to please
>refuses and at this point a swole bus driver tells the hamplanet you can either stand up or leave the bus
>hamplanet was so enraged she does try to leave the bus
note the word "try", she couldn't get out because it was too packed
>in the end the seat was collapsed and she sat down on the floor huffing and puffing



>Match up with fatty on tinder
>She messages me hi
>mfw she thinks she deserves to be treated like a human
>mfw I'll probably end up fucking with her in some way before unmatching

I knew he wouldn't fit, but having a west nile explanation was new to me. Has anyone else ever seen a whale claim west nile made them fat? I laughed my ass off that night.

>new to a college, join the car club to meet people
>introduce myself to a fatty driving a mazdaspeed 3, because JDM
>He's miring my two seater sports car, because JDM
>Offer to let him sit in it, after he said he'd never seen one before
>"It looks so low, idk if I can
>Fatty drops his ass into the seat, as I see my suspension compress to bear his enormous frame
>Tries to swing legs in the car, is too fat to bypass the steering wheel
>Gets all red and upset, then basically falls forward out of the seat onto the concrete to escape the jaws that are bucket seats
>Goes on some big pity party about how west nile made him fat

here's a really condensed one

>go out for job
>pass by car driving 2 mph with a dog walking besides it
>run up closer
>realize dog is on the leash
>run past the car
>fat as fuck old woman is walking her dog while driving her car cause she doesn't wanna actually walk to get her dog some exercise

I actually eat very healthy

Fatphobic Camel strikes again. Fatties are committing animal cruelty.

I love this picture in particular because it's so obvious she couldn't even stand for the "I Stand" picture. She's leaning on some object to support that mass and they had to photoshop it out.

Call the fire department for that burn

Only the dead can know peace from this evil.

Kek Le Rekt. This was from an episode of Q&A in Australia

Animal Cruelty in Britian is real.

She's the Health Minister of Belgium. This is a joke right?

It's true

>be at the gym one night
>there’s a new guy sitting at the bench press
>chris, the attendant, says he’s the new janitor
>but he does a lot more than mop floors
>this fat, short, smelly guy goes table to table, making sure everyone is talking about just fitness
>kinda sucks the fun out of the whole place but we try to ignore him
>lift some weights, make gains
>rep is over, talk about our favorite workouts
>eventually the conversation drifts more towards general shit like life
>the janitor comes waddling over, hot pocket in his hand
>what do you think you’re doing?
>uhh, just talking about shit, I don’t believe this is any of your-
>ARE YOU AWARE THAT THIS IS A GYM MEANT FOR FITNESS AND GYM DISCUSSION ONLY
>dude my set is over, I don’t think it’s that bad if we talk-
>NO, he says, lips smacking, THIS IS A GYM AND YOU WILL DISCUSS ONLY GYM SHIT HERE
>dude, you’re spraying hot pockets in my face, please move-
>YOU CANNOT BAD MOUTH A MEMBER OF THE STAFF LIKE THAT
>the only one with a bad mouth here is you
>I WILL HAVE YOU REMOVED
>fuck off, you can’t make is do shit
>this guy starts fuming because we’re right. He doesn’t even have any real power
>he has to call the fitness trainer to remove us
>see him stuffing down another hot pocket as we leave
>the fitness trainer tells us we’ve been banned from the free weights area for 72 hours
>demand to see the owner
>he says we can’t because we’ve been banned for 72 hours or less
>what kind of fucking bullshit is that
>ask them how much they pay that bozo janitor
>nothing, he does it for free

Secret Agent Fatty

>tfw brother is marrying a big fat chick
>tfw brother is getting way fat since he met big fat chick
>tfw they're probably going to have kids
>tfw kids are probably going to be big fat kids
>tfw i'm going to have to pretend to accept their big fat kids
>fpfw another healthy family infiltrated by fatness and destroyed from within

Hahahahahahahahaha

>be at university
>have actually come to accept fat people, the one's I had talked to regularly were really nice
>go to university's rockwall will friend
>hambeast goes up to the easiest wall, and you can see her sides bulging out of the harness
>Jesus christ that's gotta be a safety hazzard, hope the rocks don't give way
>she goes up and falls off a fifth of the way
>meanwhile, on the adjacent rock wall this fit hispanic girl rings the bell at the top, her wall was 2nd hardest difficulty with moments where you had to use the creases in the wall
>"Wow, climbing that must be sooo hard when you weigh like 90 lbs"
>fit hispanic girl says that it actually doesn't matter and that she'd just been climbing a long time
>fat girl gets defensive about her weight and went off about how both of her parents were big boned so she got the bad end of the deal
>she goes off on how maybe if she went on a water diet like tinker bell over here the rope would just pull her up automatically
>tell her "How about you pick on someone your own size?"
>fat girl gets flustered and storms off
>girl giggles and thanks me
>All in a days work.jpg

Don't drink phosphoric acid, kids.

>fat 4th grade teacher has half a cola and half a diet cola, mixed together, with lunch of pizza from place across the road, every day, gives the remaining half colas and sometimes a square of pizza to students
>has had kidney stones

>fast forward several years
>fat boss always drinking diet cola
>can't drink water without sweetener
>always putting that crystal light shit in it
>sometimes even drinks caffeine free diet cola
>gets kidney stones

Here comes the bridge

How are they even alive

>at Chinese place with fat friends
>she claims to do sit ups and push ups every day, but she keeps getting fatter
>he keeps saying he wants to lose weight, but never does anything about it
>tell them they should work out
>like what?
>like at a gym. dead-lifts, bench presses, squats
>Oh? squats are exercise? well then I do a lot of exercise, because i make the coffee everyday!
>wut.jpg
>well, i make at least 20 cups of coffee everyday, and i squat down to get the coffee from under the counter
>and how much sugar do you have in your coffee
>2 teaspoons
>... 40 spoons of sugar a day?
>yeah well, i can't stand coffee without sugar

Nana Davis strikes again

Fat women are literally a traffic hazard and they don't even have to be on the road.

>in my car at the dog park
>right next to poor person apartment complex
>start backing out
>look behind me
>morbidly obese woman in a sun dress sitting spread eagle on the pavement
>motherofgod.jpg
>too disgusted to focus on anything else, forget what I'm doing
>back into another car
>FUCK

Tell me more about the toilet situation

Insight: Fat Fighters

Jesus christ, that 2nd fattie goes on about how people 'think' fat is linked to health issues, but she can't breathe properly

They updated the American obesity statistics. 34.9% of Americans are now obese. Obese, not just overweight.

34.9% of Americans are now obese

http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html

"We have to change as a society. I am one of those people. I'm not huge fat, but I am fat. It's the ability to go down the street and buy delicious food for cheap. Some stuff comes close to killing us over here. The Dunkin Donuts $1 large ice coffee is straight diabetes. We are all poor as shit too. So we tend to buy stuff that we can afford. But it's hard to force ourselves to eat oats every morning when we could just eat something delicious for a few extra bucks. End result being 1200 cals substituted for a 400 cal oats meal. Replace that with other daily meals, my bro was eating 4000cal a day not realizing it. My entire family is on the obese side. I'm the only one who isn't a complete whale. But I still look pretty miserable. 

That means every day of his existence he was consuming about 1500 cals more than he needed. That's 3 pounds of excess calories a week. That shit will catch up with you quick. Once you realize you are really fat and need to stop, you have to fight against this on a meal by meal basis. Shit just isn't mean't to work out. Really fat people feel stuck in their bodies man. We don't want to be this fat. It's like a cig smoker saying he doesn't want to smoke. 

I mean fuck, I'm going to go out tonight and get a 2000cal meal for like $7. Really good shit at that. and ate a 1500 cal lunch. It's my off day, so my total intake is about 1000 cal over what I need. But I'm sitting here hungry as fuck"

I'll admit I felt a little bad because I didn't get up to much today, what with Lyman grounded and alienating the rest of her pod.

>Lyman grounded, begs me to visit her
>Go over to hers and we watch some chickflicks while eating mayo out of jars
>I'm not even eating mayo, having my greek yogurt in a mayo jar kek
>"This tastes disgusting." Lyman smacks her lips, has another heaped spoonful.
>"Well, we could chop some carrots and celery in there."
>"You mean like a salad? ew no way."
>"What about some lays and salsa?"
>Lyman and I go downstairs and add some salsa and crushed lays to our jars of mayo
>Except I got the salsa and she fucking poured nacho cheese in there
>"Teehee this is why I love you anon"

;_;

I'm big boned!

No, you're just fat.

As an ambassador of tumblr, and a transethnic curvy quadrasexual, I have no doubt this video was created by cis white male scum. This video triggered 626 of my 900 triggers, and I will be reporting it to YouTube.

Not Safe For Work

"Stunning Nude Photo Series Will Make You Think Twice About The 'Ideal Body' (NSFW)"

...and after thinking twice you'll realise that you were right all along and that fat bodies are pretty disgusting.


http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/05/06/julia-fullerton-batten_n_5233645.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046&ir=Women

This is what Chinooks were designed for

>working at a roller skating rink
>tons of stupid little kids, but thats ok cause they're kids
>stupid adults are a lot harder to deal with
>lady walks in easily weighing over 350lbs
>I can clearly see her specially made shoes
>she comes up and asks for a size 6 (about average shoe size for women)
>I know this isn't going to work, but I can't just say "ma'am you're too fat for this"
>fast forward through her sitting down and trying on every sequential size of skate we have until we get to size 13
>size 13 doesn't fit
>its clearly not the length, but the width of the foot that's the issue
>Finally find that she can squeeze into a 15
>all of her weight is centered between the wheels
>goes out onto the skate floor after an hour of trying on shoes
>about 3 minutes in, I hear her scream
>she's fallen, tango down!
>walk out to the floor to see if she needs assistance defeating gravity
>she's broken one of the steel plates the skates use for support
>skate busted, so I have to tell manager
>manager tells her she'll have to pay for the skate (around $100)
>she flips out, saying this is prejudiced
>I tell her this is a special situation, we've never had someone weigh too much for skates
>the look of extreme discomfort comes on her face
>she starts crying amid the hundred or so kids also skating that day
>feel bad for a moment, then her crying becomes screaming
>she's flailing her arms around like an infant
>head arched back, screaming to the roof, and squriming every moveable body part in protest
>me and the manager back away
>every kid in the place looking on
>she goes at it for about five minutes before suddenly stopping, getting up, and walking out as if nothing happened
>she leaves her shoes with us

Sweet smell of summer

> Be 19 and working on check out window at Mcdonalds, first week of summer and it's afternoon so busy as fuck
> Next guy gives me his order on my headset, dude has a British accent and sounds familiar for some odd reason
> Dude rolls up to my window, it's David Beckham, his kids and some dude in the passenger seat
> Ohshit.jpg and hand him his food
> Don't know if word got out that he was around here or whatever but all of the sudden like 7 cars rush in and 4-5 people come out of the building
> Two landwale teenagers come out, one is making a B-line literately running full speed to his car with a face like an emo teenage girl about to meet Robert Patterson cutting though the parking lot and shit
> Becks looks and goes "Lets get back to the hotel before thunder thighs gets any ideas here" to his friend in the passenger seat
> We both chuckle as I hand him his food and he speeds off
> Landwale teenage girl goes back inside with her friend and orders a 50 piece nugget while talking about how she got a glimpse of him and and she swears that he look back at her in a "romantic" way
> Can't stop laughing for the rest of the afternoon

Work at theme park

>Mpace Sountain
>handing out photo tickets
>Screen shows a rocket that hasent shown up yet
>Holy shit the rocket is bring in back planet
>planet skin is so black it looks like an empty shirt in the black background.
>2 tiny white moons near the top of...oh its a person.
>it rolls in.
>AHHHHHHHHHHHhhhh is all you hear
>planet is so fat her rolls extend out of the rocket
>rocket comes withing an inch of the floor
>rocket is floor level to the rocket so the top edgeof it/side of the rocket is lvl to the floor.
>Her fat is caught in itbetween rocket and floor
> AHHH LORD HAVE MERCY
>Ride is stopped
>Paramedics come
>they remove her fat from the wall
>They try to take her oout but she is stuck in the rocket
>she begs them to take her out
>The rocket has to be destroyed in order to bust her out
>Ride is closed for the day while paramedics and firefighters attend to the beached planet
>Finally break the car apart
>peached planet takes a wrong step
>gets stuck int he track she fell through.
>lulz were had
>another 30 min debate on how fat she is and how they are going to get her out

Never had any problem with other ladies.

>weeks later, fatty smaller friend comes in.
>needs a check up for std's.
>she's bragging about getting fucked by multiple guys.
>I do the usual use protection speech.
>she laughs and says she doesn't like it.
>she takes off her pants and I offer her a towel, she declines and says she doesn't need it.
>hops in the chairs, it's a tight fit but she squeezes in.
>legs wide open and I can smell her from my desk.
>I ask if she's been active lately, she giggles and says she had sex last night and today.
>I nearly vomit, she's giggles and does the "te he" smile.
>I lube up my glove slide into her meat hole, 2 fingers in and it feels like a cave in there.
>this bitch is loose as fuck.
>she moves slightly every time I move my hand, and says Jess was right your fingers are good and laughs again.
>I'm on the edges of vomiting and exploding in rage,
>finish exam and tell her all seems ok, but I will run tests and see her again in a few weeks.
Why are fatties so wierd and gross?

Got another one about her if you want it?

>be gynaecologist, seen some shit in my days.
>head in one morning and see my first hamplanet.
>invite her in go the ought the usual bullshit questions.
>tell her to climb onto the chair.
>she struggles to get into a chair because it's to small.
>after a while I just lay her on the bed in the next room.
>spread her legs and get started.
>have a quick look and I can barley see her pussy between her thighs.
>lube up my whole glove and slide between the fat.
>find her hole and slide my finger in to have a feel.
>fatty starts moaning.
>scares me and I pull out, she apologises and tells me that's it felt good.
>I'm horrified, but have to continue.
>do the rest of the exam and hold in my vomit,
>I tell her she needs a follow up in a few weeks, as she speaks to the receptionist to book her next appointment she gives her number and tells the receptionist to give it to me,
>I see her fat friend look at me from the waiting room and they giggle on the way out.

I would pay a thousand dollars to be rid of this shit.

>mfw I am a FA of BBWs (fat admirer of big beautiful women, as the lingo goes)
>mfw I jerk it to "progress pics" and weight gain fiction on a near nightly basis
>I've had the fetish for almost 15 years now
>Every women I've dated has been at a normal weight, not even big titties (and I was fine with that, a rewarding relationship doesn't start and end on a dumb fetish)
>I myself go to the gym three times a week and walk daily, never been fat in my life
>Will never date a BBW, slowly influence women I date to become fat, or even admit to anyone beyond a damn image board
>This is because common sense trumps a fucking fetish
>I hate the whole "fat acceptance" community and will never join up on their damn circkjerk message boards
>Hate myself the most of all

There would be more, but I cracked up at this point and feminist girl turned her aggression at me.

> Be in college
> One classmate is female fitness model - fantastic ass, not "bulky" and she can into physiology
> One classmate is super-skinny feminist commie asian girl
> Fitness girl is having a conversation with two other girls about fitness
> Explaining how girls shouldn't be afraid of weights, they won't get bulky, squats and lunges, etc.
> Explaining diet is everything
> Says, "Back when I used to be chubby and I hated my body..."
> "STOP right there!"
> Enter skinny feminist, stage right
> "Don't encourage these girls to hate their bodies!"
> This gon be good
Let's see if I can get this from memory...
>"You're perpetuating gendered notions privileging thin body types over equally-healthy plus-size bodies, and reinforcing the patriarchal control men have over women's bodies as objects of desire rather than as vessels for our own social justice."
That translates to, "You're encouraging these girls to be thin, and I'm going to speculate that you think women exist only to please men. This makes you evil."
> Fitness girl has apparently seen this shit before
> "I'm encouraging them to take control of their own bodies through self-mastery and proven nutritional knowledge. What they do with that information is up to them, and I only hope that it makes them happy."
> Skinny feminist begins, "But - "
> Fitness girl interrupts. "I can squat two hundred and five pounds. How is that traditionally feminine? How does that not break stereotypes?"

fuck fatties

>be me
>working at A&F
>work with handsome humans for the most part
>folding the size 00 daisy dukes
>saying 'how you doing' to everyone walking in
>suddenly my nose burns, the stench of curry cuts through the heavy cologne mist
>red dot veganplanets
>Why would someone over 200lbs try to fit in anything Abercrombie
>they're obviously shopping for their little fattie
>this kid is at least 210, and a solid 5'5"
grabs a 5 larges, which are my 5'10" 170lb size
>are you fucking kidding me
>none fit, they leave them for me in the fitting room
>'wheel be bock tomorrew!'
>please God don't come back tomorrow
>kid single handedly caused over 200$ in damages

Let me tell you a story

>mother is a nurse
>she is in the after-surgery service so she have to deal with unconcious people and their families
>a couple of weeks ago, hambeast is recovering from heart surgery (quadruple bypass)
>full family if whales comes to see this guy and hiw he is going
>they try to enter into the room, only to disconfort with their giant whale tails the other patient
>since alpha male is already awoke, he is hungry
>a diet for somebody who got a heart operation is liquid/soft
>but no, hambeast cant eat that because he needs to clog his arteries again
>female whale and kid whale goes to the nearest market (is in front of the hospital)
>they return one hour later with a 2 roasted poultries, chips, 2liters diet coke X 3 and some napkins
>half of the nurses have to stop the hambeasts from getting the food in the room
>"MUH HUSBUND NEEDS TO EAT, YU AR KEELLING HIM"
>small whale does a tantrum since the nurses didnt let him see his father
>food fucking everywhere

I go to subway because sometimes I'm lazy counting my calories and the steak and cheese has under 400.

Though I prefer the basil and sundried tomato chicken sandwiches that M&S sell, they're too expensive.

>Walk/jog to subway, it's 6~7 miles uphill from home
>The moment I enter I feel an intense gravitational pull, hold onto doorframe not to get sucked in
>Humongous landwhale standing behind counter, his head whips around and he stares at me
>"H-hi there! I'm just checking the nutritional value."
>Look at board, he's standing there and staring at me, breathing heavier than me
>"Okay, wholegrain bread, steak sandwich, onions, tomatoes, cucumber, extra lettuce, no sauce, grilled"
>He starts making my sandwich, notice he's putting double meat and cheese on it, winks at me and says "A little extra as a reward"
>"N-no please don't! Actually cut the cheese and put peppers in instead, please!"
>He scoffs and reluctantly puts the meat and cheese back
>"What drink would you like?"
>"Hmm, lemme see the nutrition...coffee sounds nice."
>"That's 200 calories, you sure there?"
>"Whaa? Black coffee has 200 calories here? No way, just water then!"
>"Oh I thought you meant latte, black coffee only has 8 calories, here you go. Want some cookies? You should treat yourself."
>"Thanks, I'm good."
>Sit down and rip off any excess bread, sip deliciously bitter coffee
>Ground rumbles
>Hamplanet sits opposite me, with 10 cookies, 1 huge sprite, 4 sandwiches, 7 packets of crisps and 2 breakfast subs
>Stares at me while I slowly eat my food, gobbles his down and keeps pushing crisps and cookies over at me with a wink
>"It'll be our dirty little secret, you look gorgeous the way you are, turnip."
>Lose 3lb just in ovary weight, they're aborted themselves and my vajayjay burned itself shut for life.
>Internally crying, finish sandwich and burn mouth guzzling the coffee, gtfo
>Run like a demon and scream in rage on the way back

McDonald's. Not even once.

>at McDonald's for dat der dirty bulk
>fat fuck behind me
>I'm looking at the menu deciding what to order
>Hear a loud fart from behind me
>Oh god it smells horrible
>Look at fat shit
>He has the stupidest, shit-eating grin on his face
>Suddenly, out of nowhere
>"ALLAHU AKBAR!"
>fat fuck lets out the loudest fart I've heard
>hear the sound of pure petrid shit hitting his diaper
>women are screaming, babies, crying
>everyone in a 15 foot radius is on the floor gagging and holding on for life
>fire alarm goes off and sprinklers start showering us
>black out
>wake up 2 days later in a hospital
>i nearly suffocated
>that McDonald's had to be torn down and HAZMAT was still there

Heavy Breathing

>working at Home Depot
>see a fat fuck waddling into the power drills section
>ask her if she needs any help
>breathing heavily between words, "No, I know what I need to get"
>the hell you do
>smile and say I'll be here if she needs any help
>She grabs a hand drill and circular saw
>walks all of 40 feet carrying them
>can hear her breathing heavily, obviously out of breath
>yells over at me to bring her a cart

FAST FORWARD

>at work a few weeks ago
>I'm a biologist doing work on genetically modifying algae to be better biofuel sources
>high school intern comes in today
>she's about 15 but has to be around 200 lbs at just about 5'
>tell her about my research
>"Oh, so it can be, like, a baked potato dressing!"
>"No, it's the kind of oil that goes in cars and machinery."
>she looks incredibly disappointed
>continue showing her around
>get back to work
>she's over at a hood; I have her pipetting algae into different water samples
>hear some smacking sound
>look over
>she's not wearing gloves
>she's eating peanut brittle in the hood
>a sterile environment, and she's got her sticky fingers all over it
>tell her to stop and warn her that she'll contaminate the station and risked getting chemicals in her mouth
>mfw this ordeal
>she sulks, calls her dad, and leaves early
FAST FORWARD
>her peanut brittle fiasco has gotten ants all up in my shit
>they got in my samples, died, and there's mold and spiders all over the place
>have to spend the rest of the week cleaning up her mess and decontaminating

Oh boy.

>get a membership at the local pool
>guy there, overweight
>wobbles out of the changing room in his swimming trunks
>each step
>dat belly wobbling
>dat gyno wobbling
>everyones looking
>trying not to look
>hambulocetus reaches the waters edge
>ohboyherewego
>catches its reflection
>hambulocetus was me

Putting the Die in Diet

>Work at Subway
>Massive hamplanet walks in
>Asks what the best subs are for diets
>Tell him veggie for low calories and steak or chicken for protein
>Asks for steak, double meat
>Gets double cheese as well
>Think to myself "How is this guy on a diet"
>Orders no veggies, just mayo. I put some on but he keeps asking for more
>River of mayo on sandwich
>Get to cash, he gets half a dozen cookies, a bag of chips and a large drink
>Sits down, eats it all by himself.
>Comes back nearly 15 minutes later, gets two cinnamon roles.
>This guy ate more than 3000 calories and he says he's on a diet...

i was at a loss for words so i simply told him that he cant ever talk to me about his diet shit ever again.

>bro moaning about how theres nothing for him to eat since hes on a cut
>makes himself a salad
>hes raiding the sandwich ham for his sandwich
>tell him "you know, you can also drink a casein sh-"
>snaps at me, tells me "SHUT UP I HAVE TO GET SOLID CALORIES NOT LIQUID CALORIES"
>got him that casein shake almost 2 months ago
>he only touched it maybe twice
>mfw

The stars have aligned

>be me hanging with friends
>friend brings his gf
>planetmodeengaged.jpg
>gf starts talking to me about weigh loss
>"I'm trying to detox my body! Eating healthy!"
>see her drinking large iced cappuccino sugar-infested beverage
>notices "Oh this is my treat of the day that Anon got me! One a day that's it!"
>we all go to a big park
>there's a little food shop (hot dogs, fries, etc)
>I go to the bathroom, come back 5 mins later (It's a bit of a walk away)
>see friend with his gf
>she turns around
>has eaten a hot dog and is now balls-deep into a large poutine (fries+gravy+cheese curds)
>mfw 'one treat a day!'

fucking hamlets, when will they learn?

>waiting tables for cash
>hamplanet family comes in
>they love food so much that they treat me and other staff with respect so they don't get spit/semen/pubes in their feed
>not picky about ordering because they don't want to frustrate the cooks
>as a result they get their food as ordered
>they order appetizers, entrees, drinks, dessert
>$290 bill
>tip me $60 cash

Thou Shalt Not..

>Be me at work
>We're getting a new supervisor
>The moon approaches
>He seems like a friendly guy
>We talk and get to know each other a bit better
>Over the next few days I realize he's Christian, as am I
>I tell him I've been reading through the Old Testament
>Say I've noticed a lot of people fasting during that time
>I tell him that I've fasted before
>He lights up, "Me too!"
>He asks me how long I fasted for
>I tell him I fasted for about 4 days, but had to break it as to not be rude to a lady offering me food
>His smile fades
>I ask him how long he fasted for
>"8 hours"
>Costanza.doc

Skwatz'n'oatz

>Shopping, picking up my oats
>No, seriously, went to the Chef Shop, picked up a case of Quaker Oats, 12 tubes @ 48oz for $29.96. Six month supply for cheap.
>Walking in, hamplanet black lady with not quite so hammy dude storming out screaming over her shoulder "I can't believe you niggas don't take EBT. How the fuck you be a store and not take EBT?"
>Big-ass signs on door saying "Unfortunately we do not currently accept SNAP/WIC/EBT. Sorry for the inconvenience."
>See manager looking type pushing flat with bulk pack potato chips, chocolate, candies, french fries, and other miscellaneous bullshit
>MFW to the entitled hambeast

I thought I knew insane. I didn't know insane.

Originally posted here: http://wanusmaximus.livejournal.com/943603.html

Too amazing not to share.


There is a story to be told here. Statik and I are talking about it,because the S. story is eating up a lot of our mindspace right now.Rather than get right into this whole thing, I would like to begin bygiving a brief setup.

What fucking year is it? I havn't seen a CRT in a long time. Nice wood panelling bro

Jason (Me, stupid!)

Derek

Statik


Now, many of you have heard of Shay. She is the villain of this story.

Okay, the VERY brief version, which I am thinking about expressing as a full novel...

Shayand I were friends since we both got online, about eight years ago. Sheand I talked exclusively online til I got a cell phone, whereupon westarted talking on the phone, at least once a week. She would oftenhave her son chat with me online as we spoke. She was very active inthe gay parenting groups online, and wrote prolifically on raising herson and her interactions with the world as a lesbian.

Accordingto Shay, she got kicked out of her evil grandmother's house once shefinished paying off the mortgage. She bounced from place to place, evenchacking herself into a rehab so she would have a place to stay thoughshe did not have a drug addiction. She lived with friends for a longperiod of time, one year for one and two years with another. Her sonwas with her when she did.

She recently moved back in with herdad, like six or seven months ago. He got in trouble with hislandlords, however, and she needed to go somewhere. She asked if shecould come here and crash with me, get a job and a place of her own. Isaid yeah, I mean, I KNEW her, right?

She crashed here andsmelled up the place with her "hormonal imbalance," which would meanthat she had a bum full of shit that couldn't be wiped, though itdidn't smell like poo, more like dirt and rotting vegtables.

Aftergetting me in trouble with my landlord, I found accomodations for herwith a friend who was looking for a roommate. She was to have a jobwith which to pay rent by the end of the month, but he gave her a freemonth's rent.

Fast-forward two weeks. She is getting kickedout of Statik's house form being hell on fat legs and stinking up hisapartment and making a spectacle of herself in the main areas of thecomplex. She goes or they both go, so he was getting rid of her. Thiswas the last straw. She e-mailed me telling me that she was going to"do what she had to do," and then I got an e-mail from her son tellingme that she was going to hurt herself, so I called 9-1-1. Meanwhile,she has downed a bottle of Valerian Root. They arrested her, I calledher dad.

Daddy, who turns out to actually be step-daddy, saysshe HAS no son. I start doing research. None of the friends she stayedwith know what I am talking about, they never met her son, though theyhave heard of him lots, as I did, and have chatted with him online.They have all sent her money to feed him and herself. Then we go tohelp Statik clean up his apt, and the rest is history, granting memaybe a week of internet stardom, which is pretty fucking funny.


Soyeah, most of you know that I found out about her son, the son that Ihave heard about for the past eight years, the son that I have chattedwith for the past eight years, does not exist. I have spoken to some ofher other friends, and yeah, it's true, there is no Shane. Okay, okay,well, there WAS a Shane, but he died when he was a baby because he wasborn too small or something. So we're dealing with the girl who tookthe fun out of dysfunction.

I am sure you know from reading myprevious posts that she tried killing herself yesterday, and I calledthe police, because well, yeah, sort of had to and all. However, I amsure that some of you would like to know what she was

when the police came and took her. I am sure that some of you would also like to know what sort of

Really powerful stuff, huh?

Iwas NOT prepared for the mess at Statik's place though. I KNEW therewould be smell. I knew there would be some mess. Statik told me a fewdays ago that there was poo on the edge of her bed. I thought that itwas actually the chocolate pudding that I gave her. No, no, it was poo.Of course, none of us knew what was in store for us. I'll take youthrough the story as well as I possibly can, however, none of it ispleasant, and some of these pics? Well, you need to be VERY strong ofconstitution to look at them. I also want to stress that these picswere taken mainly so that I can bring them in to the staff of whatevermedical facility she gets admitted to and show them just how ba thesituation truly is. I'm also posting them here because I need to vent.

Tostart, I should say that we all three of us went to the emergency roomyesterday to see her. She had Statik's keys, so it was pretty muchsomething that he could not avoid, and I wanted to go see her and all.I had no idea what I wanted to say, but I figured that everything wouldwork itself out as the night progressed. Well, yeah, sure. We go there,visit, she seems to think it's a normal thing to tell Statik that shewanted him to come home and find her dead body. She was eating hersecond meal when we were there as well. There was a lot that was justplain odd. I don't remember all of it, but a lot of it had to do withthe fact that she wanted to die, and she had downed a bunch of sleepingpills. As you saw from the pic above, what she "od'ed on" was actuallyValerian Root, which does NOTHING if you take too much of, because it'sjust a stupid herbal remedy. I am not going to go too much into thevisit in the hospital, but I did call her on the Shane thing, and sheINSISTS that her step-dad is her real dad and that Shane exists. Ibaited her a little bit though, and I asked her how long Shane livedwith Connie for. As I had asked Connie if she'd ever met Shane before,well, I knew that Connie never met him. Shay told me that Shane livedwith Connie for two years, and with Beth for a year. One of the thingsthat stood out, however, is that S. came right out and said to Statik,"The one thing that I ask is that you let me pack my own stuff. I won'tbe on here forever." Mmm hmm. Something was up, you could tell. I wishwe had even a clue as to how much bad was in store for us.

Thethree of us leave, confused, and head to Statik's house. Well, welooked around, and I put a glove on, (Statik often changed the colourof his hair, so he has a box of vinyl gloves,) and picked up her pants.BIG mistake, because there was something, presumably blood, all overthem. Jason = grossed out at this point. I stopped looking throughthose.

Of course, a smell was permeating the front room,coming from the bed. There was some brown stuff on the electricblanket, and well, we were morbidly curious. So I pick up the blanketup. BAD, BAD mistake. There is a TON of brown stuff. We assumed it wasblood. We were disgusted. Fags in general aren't so good at dealingwith "woman blood." Menses. The Crimson Tide. Whatever the fuck youwanna call it. I do a lot better than most, cuz you people who know meknow that I live for my girls, all my hags out there. We covered themess back up with the blanket and did the grossout dance for a while.

Inoticed my duffle bag, and the fact that it was full perplexed me.After all, her things were strewn about the room, what little she had.So what did I do? I opened it. The contents? Trash. Food wrappers.Almost-empty pudding cups. Fruit flies. And damn, a smell that couldkill a cow. Zipping that bag back up, the curiosity was too great forme and Statik, so we opened the other bag, thinking that we would findher pictures in there, since we are curious who the pics that sheclaims to be Shane actually are. Well, we found something much, muchworse, something that made my gorge rise, quite literally. There weretwo 2-liter soda bottles in the bag, both of them FULL of urine. Theone in the Pepsi bottle had fermentation/sediment in it. I ran to theedge of the balcony and dry-heaved. Those who know me well know that medry-heaving at something disgusting doesn't happen often. There wasgreen shit in the pee bottle though, and well, EEEYUU!!! We DID ventureinto the last bag, and we found the pics that were supposedly of herson. I don't even know why we wanted to see them so badly, because it'snot like we were about to be able to look at the pics and have divineinspiration hit us, allowing us to figure out who the kid really was.We stared at them in shocked silence before continuing.

We hadto leave, so Statik came here for the night; there was no way I couldin all of good concience make him stay there. Hell, we're talkingbiohazard at this point. He stayed here, and we all got a littleliquored up. I think all of you can see that we were justified in thisthough, and that this is a situation that alcohol is needed. Mostlikely MUCH more than we drank. Derek and Statik hit the tequila, and Iwas all about the brandy.

This morning, we woke up late and Imade waffles, eggs and sausage. I only ate waffles, but I digress.Statik and I ran to Big Lots and Target, where he bought a shitload ofcleaning supplies. Then the three of us went back to his house, and thereal grossness began. We had to throw out the bed. When we took theelectric blanket off of the bed, well that was gross enough. However,that was FAR from the extent of it. I then pulled back the top sheet.Let me point out, as you will see in one of the pics, we were wearingLatex dish-washing gloves due to the severity of the disgustipation.Not one of us would have touched a thing without them. Anyway, when Ipulled the top sheet back, that was dry heave of the day number one.The sheets were stuck together, sandwiching diarrhea between them. Weall realized that this meant that she had shat herself, and rather thangetting up and fixing the situation, she merely put the top sheet ontop of it and went back to sleep. She must have been sleeping in thisfor DAYS due to the look of it. The shit had dripped down the side ofthe sheets and hit the floor. That's what we had assumed was chcolatepudding, since she had eaten that before. However, thigs made MUCH moresense when the sheets were pulled back.

EVERY pair of her pantswas shit-stained. One of them was glued to itself with shit, andemitted a little cloud of shit-dust when it was pulled apart. In thepics, this is the dark green pair.


Remember,these were taken while cleaning the place. I feel VERY lucky that thiswas not my place, but also irate that she did it at a friend's place.My relief takes over though, and frees me from feeling guilty, asStatik took her in as a favour to me and Derek. SCROLL PAST THESE PICS IF YOU THINK THEY MAY MAKE YOU ILL!!!

The mess was slightly visible even from outside.

The bed as seen when you walk in the front door.

Looks fairly innocuous, yes? Messy, but innocuous...

Pile of dirty laundry, since it goes in the middle of the living room.

Blood?

Poo scrapings? Chocolate pudding? Dried mud? Yeah, it was poo.

WTF is one of my facecloths doing here?

Another shot of same.

One of the causes of my dry-heaving. I hadn't even noticed that this was only the top sheet at this point.

More of a bed shot to illustrate the disgustingness.

Say goodbye to the blanket I loaned her.

One side of the blanket that she'd been using.

The other.

AAAAAAAAAA!!!! I pulled the top sheet back!!!

*insert vomit noises here* Yeah, the poo ran DOWN the bed.

That clinches it, the bed is getting thrown out.

Sayonara, sucker!

Think that's bad?

Pulled apart! >.<

Racing stripes.

I told you about this one. Watch out...

Here's the nasty!

Does it EVER end?

Closer...

TOO CLOSE!!! TOO GROSS!!!

One of these is mine, the others were her dads. They are both in the trash.

It's all wrong.

All the same pair. Did it run down her leg? What happened?

With the toilet looking this bad, how can her pants and bed be like that?

The bag I loaned her looks completely innocuous, yes?

Trash!

Oh god, no. Poop in my bag. MY bag. 

Look for the maggots. There were plenty.

Her two bottles of urine. The Pepsi bottle is especially gross. *shudder*


Ifyou made it through this, well, congrats. I am still nauseated. Thereis much more, but I have to stop talking about it. Derek and I have anappointment with some alcohol. Yeah, tonight too.

Another note? These pics are all ones I took, so copyright me or whatever. [lel]

EDIT:

Oh.My. God. It got even worse. Statik messaged me with "I need to see heragain." He didn't tell me why, but he e-mailed me a link to hisPhotobucket account. The couch cushion was turned upside-down to hide aLARGE shit streak. Like, HUGE. It never ends. There is apparently pooall over the floor too, in the kitchen. Ugh.