Darwin would be proud

>In nutrition class
>Sitting near Ashley Crawford in permanent battle mode
>Oh god, the smell
>Hair in nostrils catches fire
>Professor asks me not to smoke in class
>mfw
>10 minute break
>Shoot the shit with bro
>He mention’s Charles Darwin’s dream of eating one of every animal on the planet
>Big Bertha interrupts to say we should change the subject
>Puzzled look
>She says Darwin is one of her “triggers”
>bertstare
>hours later
>mfw I realize she was offended by phrase “survival of the fittest”

What decade is it?

>Freshman at Uni
>Three guys at the next dorm are the moons of Jupiter
>The fourth is a skinnyfag (does nothing but cardio every day)
>The three fat guys are all mean, especially to the skinny guy, calling him Karen Carpenter, Mary Kate Olsen and such
> Skinny guy comes up to me one day
>"H-hey anon, c-can you help me get muscles?"
>With hard work and dedication I can say that he's making it already
>We become best friends
>His roommates go all tall poppy again and start saying that the two of us are faggots
>He grabs my hand, says "At least I'm getting some, you fat fucks." and we walk out on our way to the gym

Oh God I love this kid, definitely gonna be my roommate next year. Shame he's stuck with those cunts for the next few months.

My wife

my wife has like 5 friends that would be considered good regular freinds

here is a run down of the 5

>bff overweight fat roll tits, drinks, has lupus, binge diets, and takes diet supplements, never ever sustained a weight loss, seen her in pajamas once and had to take photos and videos, her ass looks like someone sucked the air out of a plastic bag of wet clothes
>fat drunk mexican broad with 2 kids, total slut
>fat asian drunk, drinks and drives like it's going out of style, crash diets and shit
>simple drunk white trash, probably molested which is why she is always drinking
>skinny chick with a husband and fake tits, husband and her do stuff outside and are active

4 out of the 5 friends she has will call me an "asshole" if I really bring up the weight issue..

4 out of 5 friends are forever lonely hamplanets

if my wife makes it out of this rut, she can do anything

Yep, loser indeed

>landplanet asshole coworker has to be at least 400 lbs
>he joins this biggest loser weight loss thing our work and a few other firms are doing
>first weight in for them was on monday
>he brags about his idea to basically rig the scale for the first weigh-in so it looks like he loses more
>tells us he ate at buffets for every meal over the weekend

Starbucks ahoy

not much but at the time I was dumbfounded by this bitches laziness.

>at the mall, borders was going out of business so books were hella cheap.
>entrance of the mall is a set of stairs with a escalator on each side one going up one going down.
>fatty going in the doors ahead of me is talking about how she can't wait to get a caramel machiatto at starbucks.
>walk in and see the escalators are out of order
>fatty sighs and whines to her friend about having to climb the stares
>they decide to leave and drive across town to go to the starbucks with a drive through.


There were only 75 stairs I know because I counted them. I hope that bitch gets diabetes

Love and marriage

>>lady walks in easily weighing over 350lbs
>>I can clearly see her specially made shoes
>>she comes up and asks for a size 6 (about average shoe size for women)
>>I know this isn't going to work, but I can't just say "ma'am you're too fat for this"
>>fast forward through her sitting down and trying on every sequential size of skate we have until we get to size 13
>>size 13 doesn't fit

oh god, got me thinking of Al from married with children.
>mfw

this is happenning right now

this is happenning right now

>mother in law downstairs
>me upstairs
>she knows I have school studying to do
>calls my name
>I don't answer
>calls name again
>still don't answer
>she stops
>10 minutes later she waddles up the stairs breathing heavy
>I am now waiting to see what she originally wanted
>she's always way too fat to come upstairs or downstairs, she just yells

>mfw other fat women in my family do the same

why do fatties yell? Because it takes work to walk up some stairs

Chips ahoy

>be at dinner with female friend
>she says her friend is a hostess there
>chips ahoy motherfuckers, this bitch is huge
>she waddles over and tries to find us a table
>Tells us she was just in the back eating poutine
>We sit and she insists we both get milkshakes
>Comes back 3 times to ask what we're getting and to make us get milkshakes.
>say no, I'm trying to be healthy this year (and every other fucking year)
>insists we take advantage of bottomless fries.
>gets offended when we dont


fuck.

That look

> Be 19 and working on check out window at Mcdonalds, first week of summer and it's afternoon so busy as fuck
> Next guy gives me his order on my headset, dude has a British accent and sounds familiar for some odd reason
> Dude rolls up to my window, it's David Beckham, his kids and some dude in the passenger seat
> Ohshit.jpg and hand him his food
> Don't know if word got out that he was around here or whatever but all of the sudden like 7 cars rush in and 4-5 people come out of the building
> Two landwale teenagers come out, one is making a B-line literately running full speed to his car with a face like an emo teenage girl about to meet Robert Patterson cutting though the parking lot and shit
> Becks looks and goes "Lets get back to the hotel before thunder thighs gets any ideas here" to his friend in the passenger seat
> We both chuckle as I hand him his food and he speeds off
> Landwale teenage girl goes back inside with her friend and orders a 50 piece nugget while talking about how she got a glimpse of him and and she swears that he look back at her in a "romantic" way
> Can't stop laughing for the rest of the afternoon

Roller babes

>working at a roller skating rink
>tons of stupid little kids, but thats ok cause they're kids
>stupid adults are a lot harder to deal with
>lady walks in easily weighing over 350lbs
>I can clearly see her specially made shoes
>she comes up and asks for a size 6 (about average shoe size for women)
>I know this isn't going to work, but I can't just say "ma'am you're too fat for this"
>fast forward through her sitting down and trying on every sequential size of skate we have until we get to size 13
>size 13 doesn't fit
>its clearly not the length, but the width of the foot that's the issue
>Finally find that she can squeeze into a 15
>all of her weight is centered between the wheels
>goes out onto the skate floor after an hour of trying on shoes
>about 3 minutes in, I hear her scream
>she's fallen, tango down!
>walk out to the floor to see if she needs assistance defeating gravity
>she's broken one of the steel plates the skates use for support
>skate busted, so I have to tell manager
>manager tells her she'll have to pay for the skate (around $100)
>she flips out, saying this is prejudiced
>I tell her this is a special situation, we've never had someone weigh too much for skates
>the look of extreme discomfort comes on her face
>she starts crying amid the hundred or so kids also skating that day
>feel bad for a moment, then her crying becomes screaming
>she's flailing her arms around like an infant
>head arched back, screaming to the roof, and squriming every moveable body part in protest
>me and the manager back away
>every kid in the place looking on
>she goes at it for about five minutes before suddenly stopping, getting up, and walking out as if nothing happened
>she leaves her shoes with us

Working class heroism

>works in walmart photolab

>fattymcfatterson comes in with rascal scooter

>all the self serve kiosk too high to reach

>"I NEED A LOWER SCREEN"

>"we dont have, youll have to stand up"

>"THEN I WANTS CHAIR"

>nope.jpg

>fatty finally stands up

>complains for solid 20 minutes while choosing photos

>"WHY ARENT MY PHOTOS COMING OUT, I FINISHED"

>tfw theres a sign saying no instant prints on certain kiosk so default is one hour service (photos come through back printer)

>fatty mcfat scooters out

>her photos print

>OHGODWHY.GIF

>noods, noods with pudding, noods with mchicken sauce

>throw up in sink

>friend laughs and decides to look at what I reacted to

>she throws up too

>smells like barf

>fatty never came back

>dispose photos and cry self to sleep

Ah, highschool.

>first year of high school
>best friends with a girl
>heard around that her house was pretty bad
>thought nothing of it
>but as the months went on I noticed she started to get fatter
>she reaches landwhale mode
> whenever she walks into class it stinks of shit and her hair is like caked with piss or something
>remain loyal and disregard rumors
>she invites me to her house
>other friend tries to convince me not to go
>her house is apparently fucking awful
>go anyway
>my mum drives me, have to talk her into letting me out of the car when she sees the house
>fucking 3 roomed shack
>about 100 degrees inside, stank full on of shit and disease
>pet ducks running around, apparently "they dont mind that it isnt toilet trained"
>7 people in tiny, shit on the walls, fucking feral guinea pigs and ducks running around
>pretend to be sick so I get to go home

Since then I avoid being friends with fat people all together and talking to them to an extreme, so that's like the last FPS I ever had.

480-Pound Woman Dies After Six Years On Couch

STUART, Fla. — A 480-pound Martin County woman has died after emergency workers tried to remove her from the couch where she had remained for about six years.

Gayle Laverne Grinds, 40, died Wednesday, after a failed six-hour effort to dislodge her from the couch in her home. Workers say the home was filthy, and Grinds was too large to get up from the couch to even use the bathroom.
Everyone going inside the home had to wear protective gear. The stench was so powerful they had to blast in fresh air.
A preliminary autopsy on the the four-foot, ten-inch woman lists the cause of death as "morbid obesity." But officials want to know more about the circumstances inside the home.
Investigators say Grinds lived with a man named Herman Thomas, who says he tried to take care of her the best he could. He has told them he tried repeatedly to get her up, but simply couldn't. No charges have been filed, but officials are looking into negligence issues.
Emergency workers had to remove some sliding glass doors and lift the couch, with Grinds still on it, to a trailer behind a pickup truck. Removing her from the couch would be too painful, since her body was grafted to the fabric. After years of staying put, her skin had literally become one with the sofa and had to be surgically removed.
She died at Martin Memorial Hospital South, still attached to the couch.
Neighbors say they had no idea Grinds lived at the duplex, though they had seen Thomas and some children outside.

Chips Ahoy

>be at dinner with female friend
>she says her friend is a hostess there
>chips ahoy motherfuckers, this bitch is huge
>she waddles over and tries to find us a table
>Tells us she was just in the back eating poutine
>We sit and she insists we both get milkshakes
>Comes back 3 times to ask what we're getting and to make us get milkshakes.
>say no, I'm trying to be healthy this year (and every other fucking year)
>insists we take advantage of bottomless fries.
>gets offended when we dont

A former fatass weighs in

>Former fatass
>been fat since 8
>I was a pretty gross fatass, I would eat anything, binge on horrific food etc
>Would eat gross or bizarre food - candy sushi, roasted pork crackling, flour fried in butter
>Get in shape
>No longer have food cravings, dislike tasting foods
>Now obsessed with color and texture of foods; the other senses food engages instead of taste
>Fatass friends look for sugary, greasy foods
>When I look at fast food now, this is what I notice:

Shades of brown and yellow
All soft, baby food like textures
Scents are always cloying and artificial or greasy

>when I tell my fat friend about the realisation
>"but it tastes so good!"
>They are critical of my efforts
>newfriends.jpg

Tyra Banks - Fatsploitation

3:50
>If you don't like who are you have two options. One, accept who you are, two, do something about it

I guess option two was too much work

oh my fucking god, this shit pisses me off... so much fucking failed logic and values, i dont even know what to say.


It just comes down to a lack of personal responsibility. Everyone wants make themselves out to be a victim and blame someone else for their own problems so they don't have to face them.

They know somewhere deep down it's their own damn fault that they ate too much. They also know it's unhealthy to be obese.

Fatties gonna fat

the media always shows people having fun and enjoying life without drugs and that gives a bad example to our kids and actually damages their health.

I may do crack now and many people may have died from crack but that doesn't mean i'm unhealthy, when i have health problems from my 'substance issues' then I'll deal with them

MORE PEOPLE DIE FROM CARS EACH YEAR THAN CRACK SHOULD WE STOP DRIVING TOO????

It's not my fault I'm addicted to crack, I have a family history of crack addiction! I inherited this from my parents, you're all just a bunch of crackheadphobics! HEALTH AT ANY HIGHS!

Semper Fi

>be year 2000 in the Marine Corps stationed in 29 Palms, CA. It's in the middle of the Mojave Desert and the only women within a 150 mile radius are Marine wives which are always pregnant and under age daughters.
>In barracks all the time. One day I got a webtv to get on the internets on my tv.
>Back in 2000 chat rooms were a good place to meet people. These days it's nothing but porn bots and 13 year old FBI agents. But back then you could meet hot bitches. Met a cutie asian off it but that's another story.
>Talk to a girl and agree to meet up. Asked if she had a few friends for my friends. Looking out for my bros. She said yes so I got over to my bros dark lair to find them playing computer games.
>One guy is from Poland and still have a thick accent. We just call him Pollock.
>The other guy is American and looks exactly like Ralphie from A Christmas Story. Everyone calls him Ralphie even gunny.
>We go to meet these girls in Hemet, CA I think. They said to meet at Denny's.
>We're the first ones there and 5mins later noticed them pulling up in a low rider.
>Door opens and see a pillar of meat with a shoe fall out of the door.
>Three of the most disgusting hamplanets I've ever seen get out and the lower rider turns into a truck with lifts.
>One had overalls on, another had a trucker jacket with a jelly stain all over it and the other had a plain white XXXXX Large shirt on.
>Friends bertstare me.
>we talk for a while and agree to go to a movie, Pollock pulls me to the side while Ralphie distracts them.
>Pollock says follow my lead.
>He tells them that we'll follow them to the movie theater and we'll follow.
>Triple binaryy star system agrees and they head off, we follow them and get off on the interstate back to base at 120mph.
>Net day on webtv fattie thanks us for ditching them.

Toilet Hygiene

I'm going to share one of the worst, if not the worst, thing about being this obese - dealing with toilet hygiene. Or rather, the common lack thereof. The mechanics are that I just can't reach to wipe myself. Either fore or aft.

I have a sponge on a stick that I use for wiping aft. Or rather, that my husband uses to wipe me. He is very laid back about it all, but it hurts and embarrasses me to have to have him take care of something so intimate and frankly, disgusting. When he is not at home, I can contort myself just enough to use it. One hand on the tub rim, the other holding the stick. I dig under my huge apron, brace my arm on the toilet rim and squirm a bit. It's not nearly as neat and hygienic as when hubby does it as I have to bring the dirty sponge forward past my fore and belly. There is no "front to back" wiping except when hubby does it.

When I am out of the house, I simply have to do without wiping. We call it having "poopy butt." I can't use the sponge myself since there isn't a tub rim to brace myself on. And family unisex bathrooms are rare. Even if I could use the sponge alone while out, where would I rinse it? At home, I use the tub. I couldn't bear to rinse my sponge at a common bathroom sink and I'm not about to put the sponge in a Ziploc to rinse hours later. Ugh.

I simply do without fore wipes. I don't want to use the sponge that wipes my aft to wipe my fore. So, I wear absorbent cotton underwear when I'm out and sit on a sheet on the couch at home. Only after a shower do I ever feel clean and my underwear is too awful to discuss. I've have a few urinary tract infections in the last couple of years and I get painfully raw at times.

Why am I sharing something so intimate and private? Because sometimes I get the impression that people think that we morbidly obese people are unmotivated to lose weight. That we LIKE being this heavy and eating "all we want." This is the ugly side of living with super morbid obesity. It's not pretty and it's not fun and it's no way to live.

Blast dem quads

>be me
>see fat guy in gym
>he's trying really hard
>be few months later
>see that fat guy again
>he made some progress but still fatso no matter what
>da fk is he doing?
>he's still working out buttmad hard
>he's trying badass like its his last day on fucking earth
>he's giving everything he can
>motivates me as fuck
>all PR got beaten that day
>Thank you fat dude

You'll make it bro

>be 240 (highest ever)
>6'1"
>bench 350
>25 chin ups
>squat 400+
>dl 400+
>think I'm strongfat bearmode
>fat accumulates in neck and face
>wonder why no gf
>see pictures of myself, look like shit, 3/10
>decide to drop weight at all costs
>lose 20 lbs, still fat neck and face, 3.5/10
>lose 15 lbs more, noticeably less fat in neck and face, but it's still there, 4/10, body looking pretty good 6/10

I swear I won't stop until the last bit of fat is burned off my neck. Goddamn fuck I have been in total denial. I believe I'll be 5.5/10 face with 9/10 body when I lose 15 more lbs.

Madonna strikes again

>some time ago

>meet childhood friend (girl) after a long time

>morbidly obese. can’t wash herself completely

>complains that no male is all over her

>try to help her by suggesting going to the gym 

>explain why

>she seems interested, says she’s gonna get info at her gym

>makes up a bunch of excuses 

>finally does it

>next day

>”hey anon! guess what?”

>”what?”

>”I’m gonna start doing pilates!”

>”pilates..?”

>”yeah! it’s much more healthy than the gym! and madonna does it so I get to look as thin as her!”

Sometime you just need to give up

Rocket Surgeon

>How can you drink that protein powder? It’s so artificial.
>Hey if I do curls with 15lb dumbbells will I look like you? Why not?
>You eat too many eggs, you’ll get blood poisoning.
>I don’t want to get bulky like those olympic girls.
>But… that kind of food tastes horrible.
>I don’t have time to workout.
>Just drink (alcohol) SOMETIMES, it won’t kill you. You are so uptight.
>Eating like that all the time is bad for you, you should eat some junk food every day to “keep your metabolism guessing”
>Glutamine/Creatine/Whey/[insert supplement here] is a steroid instead you should [insert broscience]
>you shouldn’t eat that much protein

after checking the nutrition of something my mother bought for me
>what it’s not good enough for you?

>friend cooks me dinner of pasta in really fatty looking butter cheese sauce shit i really want no part of.
>complains when i wont eat it.

Holy fuck people are retarded when it comes to basic nutrition.

An apple a day

>working at panera bread, maybe 17 or 18
>have female co-worker named stacy, not obese but certainly fatter than skinnyfat
>she’s a little bit redneck, nothing special
>somehow get into discussion of doctors/health
>she says she’s sick or something, i tell her she should get it checked out
>she replies, “oh, i don’t go to the doctor”
>”um. but that’s stupid. why not?”
>”because they make you get on a scale.”
>”um.”
>i have no reply to this
>never encountered this kind of stupidity
>you’re jeopardizing your entire health because you refuse to acknowledge that you’re probably overweight
>what the flying fuck is wrong with you
>(i didn’t say any of this; i was dumbfounded)
>she quit soon after

Toyota Hilux

>Driving around at the age of 17
>Feeling good as fuck, arrogance leads me to break the speed limit
>Hit a corner without slowing down and over correct my car
>End up rolling the car
>2 or 3 rolls later, The car stops and I’m upside down nearly crushed to death
>Can barely move my legs, managed to get them out of position
>Elbow out the window
>Start trying to crawl through window, fucking caught in the seatbelt
>I can’t think properly because I’m in shock, keep trying to pull myself free
>A couple of cars pull over, couple of people get out
>Nice old man try’s to get me out, no use, I’m in tears at this point
>One car of landwhales pulls over
>One 400lb woman rolls her window down and tells me to “move you weak little bitch”
>Her family of landwhales starts laughing
>Old man gives me a knife to cut my seatbelt, I pull myself out enraged, somehow uninjured from the crash aside from the bumps, cuts and bruises
>I yell at them “I’d like to see you walk out of a parked car faster then I crawled out of a wreck you fat cunt”
>They stop laughing, fat woman appauled
>I then faint and wake up on the side of the road with a paramedic and the nice old man
>Fat people gone
>my car when

Dem Viking Genetics strike again

We all know that feeling

My story:

>Fatass keeps harassing me about the music at the gym
>calls me a "roided up cunt"
>I bite back with "I'm sorry the body I work for is more intimidating than the body you eat for."
>Music is never bitched about again

Its a bad one, but wanted to contribute.

High five

>be senior in high school
>school pep rally
>around valentines day
>doing some dating game bullshit
>get called up to be 1 of 3 guys
>whatthefuckdoido.jpg
>get some question like if you were a chocolate bar. what kind would you be?"
>first guy holds mic for like a minute flays "twix"
>second guy grabs it, says "butterfingers" real quick and hands it to me
>oh god they look retarded and i'm about to
>what the fuck do i do
>"I...I'd be a hershey's bar, because I just love kisses"
>everybody starts laughing
>pass mic back
>another day is won
>round 2
>whatthefuckwe'restillgoing.png?
>"what kind of event would you be most likely to win an award for?"
>first kid "football"
>second kid "basketball"
>be 300 pounds and don't play sports
>why the fuck am i up here
>get mic
>"eating"
>crowd starts laughing
>not sure how to feel about this
>whatever
>she picks me
>has to kiss me in front of school >my face when she does
And that's how my first kiss went

GRAND OPENING