Pastriarch: 10/10 for that one m8

>one summer a few years back, the fair is in town
>i'm with my family, younger cousins etc. pretty boring
>notice enormous flesh pile move into the periphery of my vision
>slowly moving towards the tea cup ride
>iwanttobelieve.jpeg
>i turn to see that there's an entire squadron of these lards
>they all have those spray bottles with motorized fans attached to the ends
>constantly spritzing themselves and one another and bitching about the heat
>it was a temperate summer evening
>drowning themselves in sprite and ice cream to cool off
>the pastriarch has paid his admission for the tea cup ride
>i have no idea how he was able to wedge himself into one of the cars, i guess his legs were relatively small compared to his astronomical gut
>after 1 minute he is visibly in agony
>all the other tea cups spin around as the carousel turns. his is eerily static
>he soon starts trying to flail his engorged limbs to get the attention of the carny
>the ride stops prematurely as everyone runs from their tea cups in horror
>the "man" is crying. the kind of crying you did when you were a child where you try to talk but you sort of start hiccupping instead
>there also appears to be blood coming from somewhere
>he can't get out of the tea cup and nobody knows what the fuck to do
>his herd are losing their shit, wailing and screaming "he's gonna die if you don't do something"
>amongst this chaos i see the second fattest from the group trying to get the others' attention
>she keeps saying, "they're gonna stop selling churros in an hour. we need to place an order NOW!"
>5 minutes pass before a toothless, bearded carny comes running with an angle grinder to destroy the overencumbered tea cup
>the mass had to be air lifted to hospital, with one of the paramedics refusing to be winched up alongside him for fear that the cable might break
>one of the other seismotrons had to be taken away by an ambulance after they started hyperventilating heavily
>i also won $10 at the pitch and toss