>absorbing fascinating fish facts

>living in a fraternity early in college
>have just moved in, roommate not arrived yet
>older brothers decide to through a party
>keystoneandsorostitutes.png
>early in the night cool older bro, Tim, brings in 7/10 girl with giant rack, asking to use my refrigerator because my room is right next to the party area
>"y-yeah of course."
>girl leaves a dirty thirty of keystone in my fridge, I periodically grab one with her permission
>I hang out in my room watching Planet Earth because drunk/high
>third or fourth time entering the room she brings her friend
>the duff
>easily twice my weight, and I am king of manlets and not hungryhungryskeleton
>blue dress, literally looks like the blueberry bitch in willy wonka
>7/10 - "Thanks so much for letting us use your fridge anon, that's super cool of you!"
>"Oh, no problem, not like I had to do anything."
>at this point I am SUPER INTO this episode of Planet Earth.
>fucking open ocean, dude
>Blueberry "Yeah, anon, we totally owe you one, teehee!"
>fail to even register what is happening because too engrossed by fish
>7/10 "Do you mind if we just sit down for a minute before we leave?"
>only seating is futon, which I am currently sprawled halfway across absorbing fascinating fish facts from the hypnotic voice of Sir David Attenborough
>"Sure whatever."
>Teehee
>both sit down, I am completely ignoring them
>not being alpha, just that degree of drunk/high where this video was more important than anything else in my life
>leap to my feet, knocking my head against the lofted bed above me
>NOW IS NOT THE TIME FOR PAIN
>the eyes of the predator are turning back toward me
>she has listed slightly to the left, blubbery flesh is now touching my foot, threatening to engulf my calf
>leap from the futon towards the door, opening it the rest of the way
>"OHSHITMANHOOKAHTHATSOUNDSGREATSUREDOLOVEHOOKAHHEYSORRYCAN'TSTAYGUESSYOUGOTTALEAVESORRY"
>the fat blocking its ears keeps it from understanding the words, but it understands this tone
>it's prey has escaped
>with an exasperated sigh, it rolls to its feet and waddles away as I flee my room, ready to abandon my every material possession
>it will be back, but I will be ready

Indianbro later told me the fatty is always trying this on new guys, they only let her in because her hot friends won't come if we kick her out, he'd been assigned to fatty defense that night. He did his job well. I have literally been hit by a car going thirty and I've never been that afraid. His were the hairy, brown, curlbro arms of an angel that night.

I have more stories about this bitch if you're interested, she was a fucking nightmare, there is nothing worse than a duff with wingbitches.