I love this guy. No homo.

>be inna frat, some time in my second year there
>feels pretty okay, honestly, they aren't as chadbrochill420 as they could have been
>three day weekend from school
>frat throws parties on saturday and sunday, completely blasts most of the communal alcohol we had for the weekend
>monday rolls around, like a quarter the frat wants to keep it going, throw another party, other guys holed up in their rooms studying
>very little alcohol is left
>cue Tim and Eric to the scene
>not a joke, literally their names, they were huge fans of the show, too
>they have an idea
>a brilliant, wonderful, stupid fucking idea
>we throw the shittiest party we can
>boring as fuck, no alcohol, only like a fourth of the rooms open
>thefuckareyouretardstalkingabout.graphictee
>"So listen, we all have that one chick in a class or whatever that's fat or ugly or something, but is constantly all over us trying to get into a frat party, right?"
>pretty accurate
>"So instead of being dickheads and telling them to fuck off, we just invite them to the shittiest party ever and they never want to come back!"
>looking back, this is the dumbest beta idea ever, but at the time they were drunk and persuasive, and it sounded funny as fuck
>everyone laughs, says it's a great idea
>the texting of many duffs begins.
>basically fat girls look at frat parties the same way skeezy guys do, they creep around the edges looking for someone drunk enough to take advantage of, so they all show up
>we start up the party in the shittiest way possible
>we've already had fully half of the remaining alcohol by the time they arrive
>no music
>lights are all up
>nothing 'party' is happening whatsoever
>chubby/fat girls start showing up by the pod
>they're quiet at first, we all continue to ignore them
>suddenly critical mass is reached, something clicks
>hungryskeletonbro gets grabbed by two chubsterschicks and pulled on to the dance floor
>like orcas separating the weak from the school
>one of the girls is playing music on her phone
>the dual fatties have him pinned between him
>"oh hungryskeleton, you're such a hottie, it's too bad the rest of your brothers don't want to dance! Teehee!"
>his despairing face calls out for help, though his crushed lungs are unable to form the words
>we look on in increasing horror as the dance floor is populated by living nightmares of blubber and tights
>theyrehavingfun.SWEETMOTHEROFCHRIST
>on this day our dumbass fucking frat had a grim reminder
>chubby girls are only timid at parties because their intimidated by the competition
>hungryskeletonbro2 fends off an orca attack from the dance floor with the help of IndianBro
>INITIATE PLAN B
>Everyone scatters to their rooms
>maybeifweignoretheproblemitwillgoaway.wwII
>I end up in my big bro's room playing dynasty warriors
>fuckyeah.CaoRen
>we're sitting on his half-sized futon, you know the type I'm talking about, there would conceivably be room for another person, but we're maximizing how much room we're taking up
>we assume the closed door will deter the hunters
>how could we be so wrong...
>door opens and two pufferfish enter
>we focus harder on chink-fighting
>"Oh hey guys, just playing some video games in here instead of hanging out with us ladies?"
>Bigbro was alpha as fuck, really cool dude
>"There's nothing I wanna see out there, so yeah."
>"Well it's a good thing we're in here then!"
>bonecrushers repeatedly try to sit on our laps, bigbro keeps pushing them away, telling them they're blocking the tv
>Shit, fucking Lu Bu mission
>they are completely undiscouraged
>he eventually climbs into his loft bed to keep playing, leaving me to sit with the more timid one on the futon
>Oh fuck, two squads attacking mine, gotta get my combo on
>alphafat, hanging off the ladder to the bed "Oh, are you trying to get away?"
>Bigbro "YES."
>af "I think you want me to come up there, teehee!"
>god why am I so shitty at dynasty warriors it's just fucking button mashing
>OHGODHELP
>entire crotch region suddenly being rubbed hard by betafatties flipper, her face is in my ear
>"We shouldn't let them have all the fun, should we?"
>drop controller, flee room
>bolt to the hallway, leaving Bigbro to his fate
>sorry bro
>emerge into the party area
>chaos and terror
>see original hungryskeletonbro literally running from the two orcas down one of the hallways
>everywhere bros being cornered, trying to bail each other out
>big blue has somehow heard about this
>has pushed southkoreanbro into a corner, is trying to make out with him but he keeps turning away
>consider abandoning him
>have to be strong, like indianbro
>"Hey Ji!"
>the light of hope comes across his face as he turns toward me
>bad call
>big blue's face engulfs his
>I can physically see her tongue pushing its way into his mouth
>channel mighty spirit of indianbro
>shove big blue
>she literally does not move, must weight at least three hundred pounds
>her maw turns toward me
>"Hey, get the fuck off him, he's engaged!"
>"Not too engaged to make out with a hottie, anon!"
>the beast is distracted
>SKbro runs
>I mean fucking runs, full on sprint
>suddenly realize I am alone on the dance floor with Jabba the blue
>"Oh I get it, you wanted me for yourself, huh, anon?"
>ITSCOMINGSLOWLYTOWARDSUS.DRR
>back away, shoulder against the wall
>"Don't you want a girl with big titties like mine?"
>literally cups the meatslabs resting on her belly and jiggles them at me
>why must I know this fear again
>my hand comes up against a corner
>OHGODNO.me
>fucking trapped
>trapped like a rat
>I'm going to die a kingmanlet crushed beneath a whale
>look around
>three or four other guys in similar situations
>the orcas are picking off betabros
>think about pushing her
>remember that my hands will only sink deeper into the nightmarish tarblubber that makes up her 'body'
>panicpanicpanic
>sudden eclipse of the hamsun as a chubster drifts closer to me in orbit
>I recognize her
>this is the one I have stat class with
>she makes eye contact with me, and looks concerned at the panic in my face
>my arm strikes out, trying to escape the blue sun's gravity well
>so close, come on!
>I grab the chubbies outstretched hand
>stupidest possible thing comes out of my retard mouth
>"No way, I've already got a date tonight!"
>Mighty predatory whale's face falls, Statchubby looks elated
>as the sun's attention turns away I hear her muttering "Her tits aren't as big as mine, fag!"
>all I feel is relief
>like taking the biggest dump ever while passing a test
>completely forget my hand is now linked with statchubby
>sudden pressure on hand
>OH GOD WHAT
>statchubby is beaming at me, looks happier than anything in the world
>"Oh, I uhm, uh."
>SC "It looked like you needed some help, anon, I'm glad I was here for you!"
>"Oh shit, uh, yeah, thanks for saving me, I guess."
>SC "I mean, I know I'm overweight, but gosh, she was gross!"
>awkwardlaugh.me
>SC "I'm glad I could help keep her away!"

She ended up walking with me to my room, wishing me a good night. She literally fucking kissed me on the forehead before leaving. I was a whiteknighting betafag in highschool, but I never fully understood the position I put people in until this girl did the same shit to me. It's fucking weird.

Alright, I've got like three or four more really solid ones and a smattering of other anecdotes, but I'll type them up. Included will be: The time one of the richfags actually bought a vintage harpoon, the time my frat realized we had a chubby chaser (read: designated bombsquad), and the last ride of indianbro.