Foot-wide burger is only the beginning

>working counter at self-service gas station, really boring
>see car pull up, I have a habit of watching them fill their gas to make sure they don't do anything stupid (MURICA)
>350lb Fat bitch squeezes outta Honda Accord driver seat
>has some kinda Foot-wide burger (not even kidding, a MASSIVE burger) in one hand, and a Large-Gulp Slushie in the other hand
>drive with your elbows much?
>since she is distracted by the food in her hand, she does something obviously fucking retarded
>instead of the gas pumps, she picks up the water hose we have for people who wanna wash their cars and jams it into her fuel intake
>its an old gas station so the pumps will give out fuel is you squeeze handle (for filling hand-carry cartons and stuff), not auto-locking kind
>she notices a bit of bird poo on her window...
>still has both hands full with food and 95% of attention to the 55% of remaining Jumbo-burger
>NO, OH GOD PLEASE NO, I DONT WANNA DIE LIKE THIS
> she takes the fuel pump, and splashes her windshield with gasoline, not even looking at it, instead plowing her face into burger
>comes inside, still chewing, pays the $3.45 for the GAS she used
>unplugs water hose, drives away...
>run outta the store and chase after her to watch
>not even half a block, her engine starts coughing loudly and dies out
>she wheezes and squeezes outta the car
>notice not holding the Gulp-Slushie anymore
>what has replaced it?
>oh no, please dear god yes yes ITS A FUCKING CIGARRETTE
>Marlboro in one hand, 35% of MassiveBurger in other, she waddles over to front, pops hood, obviously has no idea whats going on
>waddles to trunk to get something
>cigarrette ash drops on back windshield
>UP IN FLAMES
>Fatty fell on ground, burger strewn about the pavement
>Engine coughing, back windshield on fire
> I have 911 on my cellphone open, but I haven't said a word yet because I'm laughing too hard