Friday 4 April 2014

My dad used to be a fireman and he told me this story once

>Dad's team (I don't know what you call a group of firefighters. A watch? A unit?) gets called out
>A coroner has requested help removing a dead body
>They arrive
>Coroner meets them and leads them to the bedroom
>The fattest woman my dad has ever seen is... pooled on the bed
>This is some next-level obesity
>Coroner tells my dad & firemen that he simply can't move the woman (hereafter referred to as Mrs X) from the bed
>After some consideration, firefighters decide on the logistics of lifting her
>They are going to gather up the bedsheets and carry her in them like a bowling ball in a supermarket bag, then heave her out of the window (she lived on the ground floor)
>It begins
>Four or five men are lifting this gigantic mass, struggling towards the window
>"Guys, she won't get through the window"
>They have to destroy the window and remove the frame to get her out
>They've got her on the floor next to the window, now just to lift her
>It requires the help of everyone there
>The woman's body catches the windowsill and rips it out of the wall in the effort
>Finally get her out of the window and loaded into the coroner's ambulance

>The fire brigade later receive a letter
>"Dear members of X watch,
>Thank you for your assistance in moving the late Mrs X from her home a few days ago,

>After some modifications, it was possible to cremate her."

Can attest to this. I used to work in my granddads funeral home. Wont say where.
We used to do our best to do whole body cremations, but on more than one occasion it was necessary to "modify" a body into thirds or quarters for cremation.
Beats the fuck out of having the fat bastard burn down your business. Because if their fat liquifies, as it does, before it combusts, you get a torrent of flaming grease out of the front of your incinerator.
Literally gallons of flaming grease.
So you choose. Either you tell the family that Jim-bob is too fat to roast, something that gets you a non-compliance complaint with the ADA, you burn down your business trying to cremate the fat fucker, or you take off the limbs and half of the belly with a pig-cleaver.
On the bright side, if you really hated the guy in life its surprisingly cathartic.

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