A birthday to emewmber

>Out partying for mates birthday
>Getting shitfaced, pub crawl, "no 2 drinks the same" rule, 2 drinks per pub rule. Shots every now and then
> Fuckin rat shit at end of the night, don't wanna go home without some action
> Chubby bitch shows some interest, being super beta trying to carry me/help me etc. Keeps alluding that she wants me to crash at her joint for the night, presumably to rape
>End up going home with her
> Get to her house, she lives alone, awesome, easy to bail in the morning
> Fall on the bed full clothed, ready to pass out
> Bed makes crinkly noise, like fuckin cellophane
>she cannon balls me, starts fuckin gorgin at my face with her big mouth, cheeks slobbery against my face
>Still remember the feels, like vietnam, shell shocked.
>Decide fuck it, might as well fuck it, no one has to know
>Start fucking her, wasn't so bad, she was chubby but nice face, nice eyes, big tits, kinda like typical heavy metal fan chick
> She stops and reaches under her bed and pulls out these fuckin black beads
>Wants to put em up my ass
>Whatever gets you off, drunk as fuck, go to town chubcitybitch
>Beads up my ass and she starts jerkin my dick telling me to cum on her
> Feels awesome
>Bout to blow my shit
>"Im gonna cum"
>Bitch REEFS beads out of my ass
>Shit billows out like fucking smog from a cargo ship
>Shit and cum everywhere
>She does like chubby giggle, smearing cum all over her tits, doesnt give a fuck about the shit
>Freaking the fuck out, put all my clothes on
>Shit running down my leg as I pull pants over the top and do my belt up
> She's loving the shit and cum fuckin snowball mudfest on her bed
>I dont say a word, bout to fuckin leave
>Realise the bed is covered in plastic
>Sheplannedthis.jpg
>Get the fuck out of there
>Had to tell my friends
>Never saw her again
>Never forget.

all of my shame

>fat female friend has been hinting that she wants the d
>pick her up, hang out for a bit
>says she wants mcdonalds
>cheap date, i'm not against it
>buy her mickey dees. she orders twice as much as me
>suggest we go back to my place to eat it
>once finished, she proceeds to give me a blowjob
>it's meh
>i splooge in her mouth, proceed to fuck her
>meh
>splooge again
>i ask, "what do you wanna do now?"
>"i'm hungry. how about some taco bell?"
>bertstare, i'm still full as fuck from last meal
>get her taco bell and drop her off back at her place

she kinda slutted around my group of friends for a few years. i can safely say we've all banged her out one time or another. we always share lulz.

epilogue
>she has the beetus now, and is fatter than ever

>Dumped by my 7/10 gf.
>Month passes.
>Had mild success with craigslist whores in the past.
(ALL craigswhores are damaged goods in some way, don't forget that.)
>Find a hairdresser/burlesque dancer.
>Perfect mix of lack of ambition in life and lack of inhibition required for casual sex.
>search her email, find her pictures
>she's 5'10" and at least 210
>hesitate for a moment
>"ohemgee #yolo"
>Take her for subpar sushi
>Go to my house, put on an episode of Arrested Development.
>Giving fewer fucks as I find she has the personality of a dry sponge.
>Take my finger and use it to direct one of her chins to face me.
>Make out.
>First observation: she won't move.
>Doing some light petting, I can tell she's into it.
>But still petrified.
>Take her to the bedroom, strip both us down, she plants herself on her back.
>Says she doesn't give good blowjobs.
>I go blank.
>She's clean and has nice skin, so I decide to eat her out, maybe it'll help her loosen up.
>Nothing special.
>I mount.
>She's not particularly tight (I'm average)
>She's enjoying it.
>I get off once.
>Talk for a while, I get even more bored by stories of hair customers so I shut her up by fucking her again.>Get off twice (I'm a little surprised.)
>Still lies like a dead carp the entire time.
>I make up something about picking up my friend at 12:30a and kick her out.
>Take a shower.
>Call up my ex and convince her to let me come over.
>We fuck like animals until 4a, my manwhore shame is negated by pushing the soulless experience out of my head.

>be drinking at apartment swinming pool
>Two land whales mirin' me from the deep end
>Always had been curious What chubby monkey was like.
>start drinking like its my job, get as hammered as fast while chatting up these fatties.
>Finally feel drunk enough
>"my name is anon and I live in apartment 212"

I honestly would have had a threesome but only one of them fit on my twin bed.

Btw I'm a grill

>local coffee shop hires me and one other girl
>other girl is very tall ambulocetus
>everyone else in shop is small and wiry due to caffeine stunting growth
>training
>boss identifies everything in breakfast case
>"unnngh that looks goooooood ohhhh maaaan"
>fatty making orgasm noises after each pasty is described
>we have to gradually try each drink as we make them
>fatty continually says "I don't think I can drink all that"
>drinks it all
>my IBS is acting up so I sip each of mine and then see who wants the rest
>fatty every time
>boss showing us how to make breakfast bagels and sandwiches
>fatty consumes both hers and mine, complete with huge amounts of cream cheese
>more orgasm noises when we go through the bagel flavors and toppings
>sorting truckload of syrup
>more orgasm noises

but here's the kicker:

>makes fun of fat people that come into shop
>plays "fat or pregnant"
>judges others for getting whipped cream on drinks while practically inhaling the stuff herself when we practice doing it
>brings up her gastric bypass she got in 2005 each chance she gets

>tfw nobody can stand her and her northern accent or how she gets in the way behind the small crowded counter
>tfw I'm the one that gets laid off because my IBS is acting up the first couple weeks and I keep having to leave the counter and kitchen for long stretches of time

>be 16
>be horny as shit start of summer to senior year
>have chubby girl always texting and hinting she wants the d
>friend convinces me "fuck it whatever who will know"
>invite her over the one time I have open house
>she asks what do you want to do
>i make out with her and get her in my room because what the fuck do you think you're here for
>half hour of this garbage pit
>she finally gets naked and is jerking me
>I tell her to get on the bed while I go get condom
>cannot find fucking condom so I get one from my brother's room
>come back and she's leaned against my bedpost
>i climb aboard and try to stick it in
>my knee literally smacks the fucking wall as I come down
>she does not open her legs the tiniest bit for me to slide anything in
>I ask her to open her legs a bit like she were sitting pretzel style (idk she had sex only once before and I was trying to be nice)
>she says she isnt flexible enough to to that
>allofmywhat.jpeg
>take my damn matress and put it on the floor
>tell her to get on the floor
>grab one leg and put it on my shoulder, grab the other and have it awkwardly on my side
>ram it in while holding up pounds of leg
>go for a few minutes til i hear strange thumping noise
>realize every time I thrust I smack her head into my nightstand
>ask if she's okay
>*huff* yes *huff* *huff* yes. Literal 30 seconds between each yes
>whatthefuckareyoudoing.docx
>little bit more of this and I fake finish
>tell her she should just leave

I drove her to my house and made her get her own ride back home

>Go to bar
>Get shit face with friend
>We both end up talking to this group of 6 whales
>Mackin on the "prettiest" of the bunch, if that exsists
>Hit it off
>She wants the D
>Go to Denny's with all her whale friends
>Her mom drops all of us off at my place
>lolwut
>We're still drinking at like 5am
>Invite her back to room, bro get the hint
>Start to make out with her
>She tries to tongue fuck my face
>Whatever I get naked and get her naked
>Wtf the tiniest fucking tits on this bitch
>Stick my dick in her raw dog
>Lasts about 1 minute before she stops me
>I can't do this
>I'm not that kind of girl
>Gets dressed and leave
>Jesusfuckingfuck
>Go to bed angry as fuck

everytime I banged a fatty I was drunk as hell
>be drunk fuck this 5/10 fatty atleast she had a good face
>not be self conscious
>not give a fuck about pleasing her or what she might think if I bust too early etc
>realize this is the real reason I probably fucked a fatty
>also pretty drunk though
next morning I swear to myself I wont let it happen again no matter how drunk I get
but then next time I saw that same fat chick
>be drunk as hell laying on friends couch
>she starts giving me a back massage
>dem fat fingers feel heavenly
>proceed to fuck her face
>cum all over her make sure not to spill any on my friends carpet
next day promise myself I wont do it again no matter how drunk I get.
haven't seen her since so I guess it worked (technically)

>be chilling with neighbors
>girls decide to go to another apartment just to check it out so me and bros go with
>get there bunch of neckbeard dyel mode pussies
>be playing waterfall and hear ruckus
>guy tells kind of chubby girl to leave and starts being forcefull
>says hes fucked her already so theres no point
>girl yells it wasnt even good
>embarrassment ensued
>then embarrassed rage, and he rushes towards the girl
>me being drunk and ready to fight I get in the middle
>couple punches thrown, kids down
>ask girl if she wants to be fucked right
>she says yes
>take her back to my apartment for pound town
>Tear it up, had some nice tits and a tight pussy
>ended up cheating on my fit girlfriend
>bad feels when I was sober

This guy is Top Gun

>work at chipotle
>new girl comes in
>fatasfatass
>tats
>insecure
>skrillex haircut
>shitty at her job
>thinks EVERYONEs out to get her
>clings to me because im nice to her
>she mistakes this for flirtation
>fast forward 3.5 months
>christmas party
>at a Dave & busters
>im drunk as fuck
>playing that basket ball game against a black co worker
>shouting NOVAK REBORN every time i beat him
>people laughing
>she's mirin
>Party's over
>i go to drive home
>oh no i cant let such precious cargo drive in this state
>offers me a ride home
>i accept
>she drives me to her house
>brings me to her back yard
>Sneaks me into her garage
>she blows me until hard
>i tell her to go doggy style
>cant find her puss
>too many folds
>too drunk to care
>shove it into a fold
>it's not her vag
>dont care
>i hear a sigh of disappointment
>i cream pie her fold
>pass out
>wake up with her staring at me
>oh fuck
>apologize and ask to get a ride back to my car
>she accepts
>tells EVERYONE
>my GM was chill as fuck and put me on separate shifts than her
>she gets fired 4 weeks later
>never saw her again