Perils of facebook dating

>Really fuckin hornylast night
>hit up a girl in the area on facebook
>flirt, get this pretty young thang worked up
>asks me to come over since her roomates are out
>go over
>find out shes a massive landwhale
>dont know how to respond
>she takes my hand and leads me to the shower
>we get naked and i notice how fucking fat she is
>she asks me to grab a sponge and wash her back
>i have to lift up her mutliple rolls and dig into crevices
>start to gag
>she starts kissing me and the shower is fucking ice cold
>tell her its cold
>she says shes warm
>leave without even getting off what the fuck

I should have left the moment i walked in

MOOMMM MAKE ME A SANDWICH

>cracked toilet seat in half
Oh god you gave me flash backs of living with my fat mum now, this is my first FPS so forgive me the shitty greentext
>move into new house at 15
>mom is an easy 140kgs, but an awesome lady apart from that
>not a month after settling in all the bathroom handles and towel racks were snapped off from a huge weight being stressed onto them
>the toilet seat was changed every two months as they kept on mysteriously breaking in half
>even the toilet paper holder broke off, apparently that was used as a holster for mum to get on and off the toilet
>dining chairs all eventually cacked it mysteriously also and we all just ended up eating dinner on the couch
>remember mums bed breaking in the middle of one night and her asking me to retrieve cinderblocks from the backyard
>cinderblocks were too small so we dismantled all the legs on the bed and replaced them all with cinderblocks, plus extra in the middle as it was sagging dangerously low at that stage
>mums computer chair eventually breaks, winds up using lounge chair in front of desk
>everything she sits on inevitably breaks, learn fast not to leave anything on chairs ever
>every time something broke she would 'go on a diet' which would usually encompass an all liquid, salads covered in ranch, and magical weight loss pill regime with the occasional dog walk
>last a week tops before she inhales a cheesecake on the way home from work one day
>mfw

It's pretty much exactly like you're gay and in the closet but instead you're just into fatties.

>mfw I am a FA of BBWs (fat admirer of big beautiful women, as the lingo goes)
>mfw I jerk it to "progress pics" and weight gain fiction on a near nightly basis
>I've had the fetish for almost 15 years now
>Every women I've dated has been at a normal weight, not even big titties (and I was fine with that, a rewarding relationship doesn't start and end on a dumb fetish)
>I myself go to the gym three times a week and walk daily, never been fat in my life
>Will never date a BBW, slowly influence women I date to become fat, or even admit to anyone beyond a damn image board
>This is because common sense trumps a fucking fetish
>I hate the whole "fat acceptance" community and will never join up on their damn circkjerk message boards
>Hate myself the most of all

I would pay a thousand dollars to be rid of this shit.

Round Table Buffet

>driving home today after hittin dat dere Round Table buffet (Unlimited hard boiled eggs), pull up to a stop light
>glance in my rear view mirror into the car behind me
>see a whale somehow squeezed into a car slowly coming up behind me swerving because its driving with its knees because both its fins are mashing a hamburger into its face
>worry.jpg
>It comes to a hard stop (poor brakes)
>Light turns green, watch in the rear view as it swerves because it can't wait to get home to eat

Its not that big of a story, and I'll eat while I drive, but this was totally unsafe for everyone else on the road.

Dear Mom

>mom is obese
>asks me all the time for fitness advice
>one of those situations where she knows exactly what to do, but doesn't do it
>be home from uni on break
>still in glorious winter bulk...shes jelly I eat so much yet don't get huge
>was about 1000 calories short of my goal today, went to chipotle
>came back to a tray of fresh baked brownies
>"anon I made brownies if you want some"
>eat burrito
>go downstairs to throw shit away...half tray is missing
>mom watching tv
>pokerface
>tfw could have eaten brownies instead of chipotle

Same hospital

>Be today
>Fatasfatass comes in
>Bilateral Femoral fracture (both femurs broken)
>He fell out of a wheel chair and broke both legs
>His skin was like a reptiles, all flaky and hard

How you break your femurs from a 2 foot fall is beyond me, but this guy somehow managed to do so.

Keep your laws off my gains

>Wife comes to see patient who has irregular heart rhythm, chest pains, previous small strokes
>Huge risk of death
>Morbidly obese jamaican, 370ish
>wife orders tests, meds
>nurse comes to get her 50 min later
>"Tests are done?"
>""No we have a problem"
>Patient had ordered 2 papa johns supremes delivered to the emergency room.
>Wife had them taken away
>Jamaican threatens alwsuit.

Mickey Dees strikes again

Mcfag here, I'll cut these down a little

>Cafe again, staring out window because bored
>small blue VW drives into handicapped park
>scraping bitumen as it parks
>I brace myself for horror
>It appears the car is full of a large floral orb
>Oh its just a 250kg woman/man, i dont know they all wear mumu's now
>Tries to get out of car about 5 times as i look on in horror
>see's me and starts waving for assistance
>I go out against my better judgement and assist her
>needed to go back inside to get someone else to help unwedge this beast from its entrapment
>free the orb and it immediately makes a b line to the front door.
>expected us to shut her car door.
>I walk inside and purposefully serve her
>$40 worth of food for herself (and a diet coke)
>waddles back to car, forces girth into car again.
>seen shoving big mac into face as driving away, scraping off drive through arrows as she goes.

I hope she lives alone so she has to actually make the effort to get out instead of getting people with better things (like not give a fuck) to do to help

No.

>At work
>Managers and leaders dissapear
>Penelope from SNL comes up and dishes out the news
>OMG DID YOU HEAR anon FELL AND HAD TO GET STITCHES
>MFW this guy is easily 500lbs.
>He fell and his weight was so much that as he fell his skin ripped because it could not strech anymore.
>MFW I was the only one there who really didnt feel bad for him
>MFW they wanted me to extend to take over for him

Grease trap

>Be in a Tuesday night Film in History class from 5:30 to 8:00
>Have some chicken breasts beforehand to keep myself full, bring some green tea in a mug to sip on while watching The Battle of Algiers
>2 minutes before class starts, huffing puffing greatcoat-wearing beast rolls down the center isle of the lecture hall towards the front of the room.
>His hair is slicked back and greasy, the sort of fatty who tries to use style to cover up his disgusting body. He carries one of the hard-bottomed tote bags we were given at orientation, evidently carrying something weighty
>He sits in a seat, unfolds the armrest desk for his own seat, the seat to his left and the next seat over to the right.
>Begins unpacking the buffet bag
>Two hotdogs, two bags of chips, a large drink and some sort of flurry with a brownie.
>Having already brought the fold down desk over his gut and placed food upon the desk, he has no way to escape when he realizes that he hasn't yet plugged in his macbook
>he pleads with a nearby girl to plug in his macbook
>She pretends to not hear him
>He rearranges his feast in defeat to haul himself to the wall outlet
>He goes on to ruin a decent movie and discussion by eating noisily while a lecture hall full of normal students stares on