BRO SCIENCE

>Work as closer driver, at pizza place
>New hamplanet older guy starts, is closing with me and REALLY likes to talk
>I came to work in street clothes, and everyone was complimenting me on how swole I was looking
>We're closing and he starts talking to me about lifting
>oh God, I'm so excited. I know where this is going
>asks me "How much do you bench, blah blah blah"
>try to reply but instantly interrupted
>"I went to the Doctor and he said that you keep all your muscle, I used to be really fit, so yeah I look bad now, but If i just cut I'd have my old body back."
>starts throwing down even more weight-loss broscience at me

I just wanted to lol the whole night, but i just kept my head down

Ursula from The Little Mermaid with vitilago

>just started new job at dietary supplement company working as a lab technician
>lead is a woman in her 40s who is at least 350 lbs, has blue/purple hair and is incredibly loud and pale. She looks like Ursula from The Little Mermaid with vitilago
>the irony of this woman working at a health foods company is almost insulting
>she managed to tilt her way out of her chair and used her momentum to make it to the bathroom, she left her coat at her desk and I glanced at the size. 6XL
>every day she has three half-empty 1L bottles of Dr. Pepper on her desk and one 20 oz can of Monster Energy ASSAULT
>leads stretches every morning, can't do half of them. she can't reach her arms over her head to stretch her triceps or grab her foot to stretch her quad
>is out of breath from climbing one flight of stairs to get to her office, and very rarely leaves her desk to do any actual testing or training or installing lab equipment, just orders products and writes emails all day
>is horribly incompetent and doesn't even order the right products, I have 500 of the wrong-sized scoops and only four correct ones, and those came with the instrument. Same with sampling pans, beakers, flasks, and jars. We don't even have all of our equipment necessary to perform tests since they get progressively delayed, what was supposed to be here last Friday gets pushed to next, that sort of shit.

One Friday the whole department went out to have all-you-can-eat sushi. She and her husband were there an hour before everybody else, and had already scarfed down at least six rolls between the two of them already, and when the rest of us showed up they had an additional eight rolls brought to them. She's a nice lady, maybe a little too touchy and affectionate (she says she's from Georgia and that's how people are down there, here in Nevada it's a little invasive), but I really think she's going to be fired soon. Thank god.

That smell

I didn't believe you guys about the smell because I rarely get close to morbidly obese people, but holy shit

>in lab with hamplanet easily pushing 300
>same fat bitch that broke a chair once during orientation, second time in the middle of class
>have to stand behind her to get solution to be analyzed
>dat fucking smell
>some sick combination of something putrid, BO, and feces
>if I were to analyze the smell the only conclusion would be its death
>end up finishing about half an hour later than normal due to me avoiding going near her

not even one of those fatties that stays silent, bitch would not shut the fuck up

Meanwhile in an alternate universe

>walk on street
>fat woman walking towards me
>taking up the space of the entire fucking sidewalk
>ham, ham everywhere
>out of nowhere she begins to grow larger
>she looks surprised herself
>suddenly she's as wide as the entire street
>people are screaming and running for their lives
>begins to consume cars and parts of buildings
>the gravitational pull of her body is now so large that people are being pulled towards her giant body
>succesfull colonies of human settlements eventually emerge after centuries of fighting off the giant lice that reside in her bellybutton

I didn't see that in the p90x booklet

today
>obese coworker (at least 300 lbs)
>finally decides to lose some weight, good for him
>bragging about starting p90x
>another guy at work says he's going on a breakfast run to mcd's
>fatass requests the big breakfast with hotcakes, extra syrup, and a large sweet tea
>"aren't you trying to lose weight? You probably shouldn't be eating that?"
"WHAT THE FUCK BRO IT'S JUST SAUSAGE AND EGGS AND STUFF, THAT'S NOT BAD FOR YOU"
>look up nutrition stats later out of curiosity
>around 1500 kcal, 90% dv of fat, 85 g sugar
>all of my what

Ah, youth

>Be around 12-13
>brother has fatass friend over, around 14-15 years old, weighs a good 110-120 kilogram
>Was always kinda annoying
>Decide to annoy her
>grab a cat toy, just a small plastic rod with a piece of string/rope attached. Used to be a small fish on there but thats gone
>Tie a single twix bar to the rope and sneak behind the big chair she's sitting in
> Suddenly there is unresistable choclate delight in front of her face
>she looks puzzeld as of where this snack came from and with a might and speed unimaginable for the normal person she stood up and ran for the treat
>I ran for my life fearing I would be crushed under her enormous weight
>I ran around the house and as our house has two staircases, meaning you can run around in circles
>I ran around for a good 10-15 minutes while she was chasing me, apparently fatties do have stamina if it involves food
>In the end she caught me while I wasn't paying attention and she sat down on me, lucky to be alive
>the sheer force caused my entire lower abdomen to compact, got rock ahrd abs ever since

Fatty Photo Friday: I hope you are blind edition

With a normal sized person censoring might be necessary - today is not that day.

Breakfast of champions

>Have roommate
> weighs 275, lifts and claims all muscle
>yesterday "I will get breakfest"
>"cool" - me
> comes back with sugar cereal, and 6 danishs
>fatasfatass has 3 danish and says rest for you
>I have one(I weigh 150 and clean/dirty bulking)
>1 hr later
>slight rummble in tummy
>mass builder and danish would be good
>cant find them??
>did I lose them?
>o well have mass builder and shitton of Peanut butter
>Danish package appeared this morning - empty

What is your major malfunction Private?

I remember over highschool summer I had a roommate for JROTC. Kid was insanely fat, and ridiculously psychotic.
>"Genocides and holocausts are a form of population control"
>"If i could, I would shoot everyone on campus"

shit like that
BEST PART was that he'd keep saying throughout the 5 weeks he wants to lose weight.

>says he wants to lose weight
>One day Cafeteria has cinnabuns
>he decides sine "he wants to lose weight, he'll only eat a salad
>Comes back with the salad
>This thing is covered, fucking caked in ranch dressing
>more ranch dressing then there is fucking salad

"Guys Im saving up for desert"

>Desert time
>he goes and grabs THIRTEEN MOTHERFUCKING CINNABUNS
>all the other cadets are facepalming
>Gets better
>Pours ketchup all over the sugary filled cinnamon buns
>Practically inhales each one of them down.
>3 minutes later all thirteen ketchup covered buns are gone.

As if it weren't bad enough, the kid bought Dry Ramen Noodle packs and ate them fucking raw. He'd go through several of those a day. Each containing an unhealthy amount of salt.

Every day as like this all while constantly saying "I'm trying to lose weight". Fucking future serial killer fat as fatass. Hope he drops from heart failure one day.

Family Ties

Hey brah, just wannah share my experience.
>brother starts dating fatty
>Maccas everyday
>after a year i mention he is overweight
>he brushes me off for the next 6 months
>brother and his gf break up
>we start talking again
>he loses 50kgs
>same shit is happening right now with new gf
>too afraid to bring it up as I know what will happen.
I would rather have a fat selfish brother than no brother I guess..